Wealth of Nations - Episode 6 of season 2, begins with Joan and Judith walking out of their Economics Class. Joan keeps her eyes on her test paper.
Joan - I got an a-plus!
Judith - Cool. Do you think I should do purple streaks in my hair?
Joan - No, you don't understand. I got an a-plus in economics.
Judith - (Joan is not listening to her) I was within reach of a b-ish. Purple and red?
Joan - I didn't even know you could get 105. I'm more than perfect.
Judith - (Joan is still not listening to her) I don't really matter right now, do I?
Joan - (To Adam who just joined them) Oh, Adam! Hey!
Adam - Hi.
Joan - You're never gonna believe it. Guess what. I got an a-plus on my Econs mid-term.
Adam - No way.
Joan - Yeah.
Judith - (To see if they are listening.. They are not) I shot a moose in the cafeteria.
Joan - I'm such a genius.
Adam - And my mentor at the design studio wants me to help him out on his anti-drug ad. Me! An actual layout.
Joan - How cool are we?
Adam - I gotta run. I promised him I'd work up a rough design by 5:00.
Joan - Ok.
Adam - (To Judith as he walks away) Hey, Judith.
Judith - Oh, am I here? (Now to Joan, as if nothing happened) Do you have any idea how insanely adorable you guys are?
Joan - It’s noxious? Sorry.
Judith - Are you kidding? Maybe I can borrow him sometime. You know, when you're not using him. I'd leave a deposit.
Joan - He doesn't even have time for me anymore. We're like yuppies, but without the money or the kids or the hypocritical drug position.
Judith - I'm going to go hang out by the boys' locker room before gym.
She runs out to the Gym and Joan is joined by a feathered friend we know and love. Its Mascot God!
God - A - Plus. Way to go, Joan.
Joan - Thanks. You didn't, like, pull any strings for me, did you?
God - It was all you. It feels good to do a good job, doesn't it?
Joan - Yeah. Economics is so complicated, but I just-- (She is very excited and talking very quick) I got it, you know? Adam smith-- very cool dead guy. He says economies function best when based on self-interest. Kind of gives you a moral head-butt, huh?
God - It's easy to establish economic principles on paper.
Joan - Are you saying it was easy to write this essay? (She reads from her mid-term paper) "In an economy run by self-interest, the invisible hand of social justice will feed and clothe everyone." (She finishes reading) Look, she wrote "great" with 2 exclamation points and a happy face.
God - What are you going to do with all that knowledge? The trick is putting it into action.
Joan - It's economics. What, do you want me to start my own country?
God - Start a little closer to home. Maybe make sure... (He holds up his mega phone cone and speaks loudly into it) everyone gets a piece of the pie!
God walks off the scene. We don’t see a wave, but God does make a little movement with his right hand. Kind of hard to see a wave in a bird suit.
Joan - (Calls after him) Way to make an "a" a bummer. (And then she whispers to herself) God...
Then they cut to the Girardi Kitchen at dinner.
Helen - We set up the church basement so it looks like a real store, all the donated clothes hanging up, except, of course, everything's free.
Joan - Charity compromises free market capitalism. Wealth of nations, chapters 2-4.
Kevin - How come I'm sensing this is gonna lead back to your "a"?
Joan - (She sings this line) Plus!
Luke - If the free market works, how come there are still families living on the street?
Will - And how come the bakers get to sue us?
Helen - Maybe it's in wealthy people's best interest to clean out their closets.
Joan - (kind of under her breath) My god, of course. (Then speaking to the room) That way they have to buy more things and contribute to the economy, and people who don't have clothes get a job, and then they can afford to buy clothes for themselves. Everybody gets a piece of the pie. (to Helen) I'm in. I'll help with the drive.
Helen - Seriously?
Joan - Yes. Mom, it will be pretty silly of me to have all this knowledge and not use it for the benefit of society. (They are all looking at her like she’s crazy again.) What?
We cut to the opening credits and the first commercial break.
We come back from the commercial break to join Joan and Helen with Lily at the church clothing drive.
Joan - (looking at lily’s tattoo) Is that a sailor?
Lily - Oh. Hot, huh? He, uh, waves when I flex.
Joan - Mom, if a nun can get one...
Helen - ex-nun. Very ex. Sort. (Directing her back to the clothes)
Lily - People have been doing body art for 4,000 years. It's very spiritual.
Helen - Oh, like how you're helping. Thank you very much.
Joan - A belly ring.
Helen - Sort.
Lily - (To Joan) So, uh, what are you in for?
Helen - She just wanted to volunteer.
Lily - This isn't the community service part of some sentence?
Joan - I have skills in economic theory. I just finished wealth of nations. You know Adam Smith, right?
Lily - The sixth beetle?
Joan - No. 18th century money stud. He totally blew away Benjamin Franklin with this--
Lily - ok, ok. That reminds me why I hated school.
Joan - Mom, is this all you've got?
Helen - It's a small church. We can only do so much.
Joan - You know, expansion increases returns. Why don't I open up a branch at school?
Helen - Do you think you'd really have time for that?
Joan - Yeah, yeah, I'm thinking a bin in the hallway, you know, one in the cafeteria, 2 by the gym. The cheerleaders never wear anything twice. I'm going to talk to Chadwick.
Helen - Sure. (Joan leaves)
Lily - Has she ever been drug tested?
Cut to he court house. Kevin is wheeling in and he sees Beth with a Lawyer. Beth, if you’ll remember, is his ex-girl friend. Re-visit season 1 for a refresher.
Kevin - Beth. Hey
Beth - Kevin. (To the lawyer) Uh, Pete, Kevin Girardi. We went to high school together. He writes for the herald.
Pete - My client was nowhere near the scene of the crime.
Kevin - Knock off a bank?
Beth - It's so embarrassing. Open container violation. I walked out of a party with a beer. That's not on the record, is it?
Pete - I don't know. It's a pretty splashy headline: "College student drinks beer."
Kevin - Yeah, could be my Pulitzer.
Pete - (his pager buzzes) Uh, bail hearing. (To Beth) So, tonight. 9:00.
Beth - Yes.
Pete - Be there or I'll double my fees.
Pete leaves. Beth and Kevin continue their conversation. Kevin looks at him leave, and then looks at her. She feels the need to explain.
Beth - He does stand-up at the laugh riot. I told him I'd check out his act.
Kevin - Remember the prom when I made you laugh so hard, coke poured out of your nose like you were a soda fountain?
Beth - (With a smile) Yes. I ruined my dress.
Kevin - (Looking down) You said no one ever made you laugh like me.
Beth - (after a second) I'm late for Poly-Sci, but it was good to see you again. Say hi to your folks.
Kevin - Sure. Oh, and watch out for the long arm of the lawyer.
Beth - See you later.
Beth Leaves. He watches her go. We can tell there is something still between them. They aren’t saying it, but the words they are speaking and the smiles say a lot more. Travel over to the sheriff’s office. Will is going to Preston’s office.
Will - Carlisle said you wanted to see me.
Preston - Yeah, come on in.
Will - Sorry I was late. I had a personal thing. I should have run it by you--
Preston - relax, Will. That's an order. I know all about Kevin's lawsuit.
Will - Excuse me?
Preston - It's my business to know about my people. If it could affect job performance.
Will - I, uh, had a meeting with our attorney. Next time I'll tell you first. I'm sorry.
Preston - That's not what I meant. I... look, if there's anything I can do to help--
Will - I can handle it by myself, thanks.
Preston - Will, I went through a nasty divorce. I know how important it is to have support at work.
Will - You still wear your ring.
Preston - (She looks at it) Oh, to fend off the guys at the supermarket. You ever been in the frozen food section at night? They should serve martinis.
Will - Thanks for your concern.
Preston - No problem.
Will - You know, it's stupid. We could have sued the kid who caused the accident, protected ourselves from all this.
Preston - Self defence.
Will - My wife didn't want to punish him, thought knowing what he'd done to Kevin was enough.
Preston - Well, she sounds like an amazing woman.
Will - She is.
Preston - Maybe we could all get together sometime.
Will leaves Preston’s office and Preston sits down at her desk. Off to the school. Luke enters a class room. He is being a little sneaky. He then unlocks a storage room and goes in. Seconds later, we see Grace enter the same class. She is also being sneaky. She goes into the same storage room. There are all sorts of animals that will be used by the biology class.
Grace - Dude, it's like a pet cemetery in here.
Luke - Lischak gave me the key. Science student of the year does have its privileges.
Grace - This is so the beginning of a Stephen King novel.
Luke - Where were you last night? I IM’d you a thousand times.
Grace - Oh, my mom was in rare form. Doing her Judy Garland act. Lots of singing, lots of falling down, me putting her in the shower.
Luke - Where was your dad?
Grace - He works late so he doesn't have to deal. It's their little unspoken bargain. As long as she's sober at temple, runs her meetings, and has everybody snowed, she... (Luke is looking at her) don't look all simpy. I'm used to it.
Luke - Maybe you should talk to somebody.
Grace - Why? I'm almost out of there.
Luke - It's 2 more years. That's 15 percent of your life so far.
Grace - (Trying to Change the subject) The test is on Thursday. Let's cram. Dark matter, black holes. Lay it on me.
Luke - Their gravity is so strong that they pull in anything that gets close to them... (Changing it back) you know, you don't have to be embarrassed to talk to me about--
Grace - (She changes the subject again by giving him a kiss) how's that for gravitational pull?
They start kissing again and we leave them there.. Not studying.
In a different hall way, Friedman is putting up posters. He is selling his lap top computer. Judith comes down the stairs and sees him. She quickly ducks into a class room where Joan is sorting through the donated clothes.
Joan - Can you believe somebody actually bought these pants, like, on purpose?
Friedman - (Coming in from the hall) Soft, the fair Judith. (dropping Hamlet for a moment) Halfway through the fourth act, and it's all for you. Come on. Look me in the eye and tell me your not impressed. (She stops to stair at him. His eyes change. He looks sweetly at her) You have really pretty eyes.
Judith - (She is stunned for a moment, then catches herself) Don't be sincere.
Friedman - In the words of the immortal bard, [Imitating Arnold Schwarzenneger] I'll be back.
Judith - Wow. Persistent. I'll give him that.
Joan - Mm-hmm. Like a cold sore. It ain't bad for day one, huh?
Judith - Holy crap. Look at this. Someone gave away an Italian leather coat. Feel it.
Joan - Wow.
Judith - Some homeless person's gonna get this? Man, I know a vintage store that would pay major dinero for it.
Joan - We sell the coat and use the money to buy, like, 5 more for the homeless. I'm so going to wind up like a millionaire one day.
Judith - Good plan.
The next shot is the two girls going into the vintage store.
Judith: You know, Rudi's touchy. So let me do the talking.
Joan - Where do you meet these people?
Judith - Community service. Driving school. Group. I lose track.
Rudi - Judith, dear. How was camp bad girl?
Judith - Crazy camp this time. This is Joan. We brought treats.
Rudi - I trust they're not hot.
Judith - That was a fluke, man. These were her aunt's. She died last week.
Rudi - I lost an uncle last week. We'll take good care of you, ok? (he picks up the coat) Wow. Your aunt had good taste. Silk lining. How's 30 bucks sound?
Joan - 30 bucks? For my aunt's coat?
Rudi - I have to make a living, too, dear. (Judith and Joan just stare at him) [Groans] Hundred for everything.
Joan - (Turning on the fake sobs) She used to read to me in this coat. I won't take less than 150. (They stare him down)
Rudi - Well, in honour of your aunt's memory...
They shake hands and we cut to a commercial off the girls triumphant looks. After the commercial break. Joan and Judith are in a tattoo/piercing shop. Judith is in the chair getting her navel pierced.
Joan - This is so out of the textbook. We bought 5 coats from the army-navy, increasing the volume of people who got clothing.
Judith - And we wind up with 36 bucks left over. I'm loving the economy. Ha ha-- (She gets stuck with a pin) ow!
Piercing tech. - I told you not to move.
Judith - (in pain) Oh, my gosh.
Joan - The money's the incentive that keeps us going, right?
Judith - I mean, the people who run big charities get paid. So how does it look?
Joan - So good. My mom would kill me.
Judith - So? Who's helped more homeless people, you or her?
Joan - No way.
Judith - You deserve this.
A few minutes later, Joan and Judith leave the shop. They both have their bellies pierced.
Joan - I didn't realize it was gonna itch this much. Ugh.
Judith - (ducking into a store) Belly shirts. Gotta show off the pain. Let me surprise you. Joan - (looking at some sunglasses on a stand outside the store) Oh.
Salesman - (With an Indian accent) So you've really become quite an entrepreneur, Joan.
Joan - 5 coats for one. That's 4 more homeless people that will be warm now.
God - Very impressive.
Joan - Yeah, what I did... it makes me feel powerful.
God - Hmm. Money can do that to people.
Joan - (Looking at a pair of very stylish sunglasses) Oh! These are sweet.
God - Don't put your fingers on the lenses.
Joan - $95? Who has that kind of money for sunglasses?
God - To some people, that's not much at all.
Joan - More. You want me to do more, right? If there's no growth, the economy goes into decline. Decline means more cold people. I'm so all over this. (Changing the subject) Hey, what's your mark-up on those puppies anyway?
Joan puts on the cute sunglasses and models for a mirror.
9pm that night. Pete is on stage at the comedy club. Beth is standing at a bar when Kevin comes over.
Pete - So I finally learn after all these years that a good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge. How about last night, huh? It was so cold last night, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Beth - Kevin? What are you doing here?
Kevin - I was voted class clown. I gotta keep my chops up for the reunion. ...
Beth - This isn't funny.
Kevin - The audience likes it.
Pete - (leaving the stage) Thank you, guys. You've been great. I will be sending you a bill.
Beth - Are you jealous or something? Because we haven't gone out in, like, 2 years. And you dumped me, remember?
Kevin - I know. You wanna get some coffee... or dinner... or an apology?
Beth - Um, I'm kinda busy at the moment.
Kevin - So this is a date.
Pete - (Joining Kevin and Beth at the bar) So...did I totally suck or what?
Beth - No
Kevin - No, man. You were hilarious.
Pete - Thanks. Kevin, right? From, uh... from the herald.
Kevin - Relax. I'm not writing a review. I'm just... checking out the competition. (ah, the art of the double meaning)
Pete - You're a stand-up, too?
Kevin - Well, I'm more of a sit-down.
Pete - [Chuckles] Right. Well, uh, we were just gonna grab something to eat. Why don't you join us? We could compare notes.
Kevin - Uh… (looking at Beth who is really wishing Kevin would butt out) no thanks. Just have fun.
The next day, Will has joined Helen at the school for Lunch.
Will - I felt like seeing my wife. That's not a crime. I know these things.
Helen Hmm. Last time you brought me lunch at work, I spent a month packing dishes.
Will - We're not moving, I promise.
Helen - Then what? You're going to be working vice, and you're afraid you might meet someone?
Will - [Chuckles] I want us to counter sue the Bakers.
Helen - And you thought an egg salad sandwich would change my mind?
Will - Look, Helen, I know you're a better person than me. I know you have all this faith in the goodness of people, but do you really think the Bakers are suddenly going to realize how selfish they are? Or the judge is going to see the light and throw the case out--
Helen - Hey, don't patronize me, and don't use my faith to treat me like an idiot. You think I don't know how greedy these people are?
Will - We're gonna have to dig into the kids' college money. We may have to put the house on the market.
Helen - I just hoped we wouldn't have to become like them.
Cut to Joan and Adam in the halls.
Adam - Jane.
Joan - Hey! I called at your studio, like, 6 times, but the voice mail kept picking up.
Adam - Oh, I called you back, but your mom said you were sorting donations. Are we ever gonna get to see each other?
Joan - Now works for me. You wanna go roll around in the clothes?
Adam - Oh, no. Michael needed this layout, like, an hour ago. So I gotta go to the computer lab and use the graphics program. Will you keep me company?
Joan - Sure--oh! Wait. I can't. Chadwick wants everything sorted and out of here or he's gonna call the whole thing off.
Adam - All right. As soon as I finish this project.
Joan - Ok--and the clothing drive won't last forever.
Adam - Call me tonight?
Joan - Ok.
Adam leaves and Judith catches up.
Judith - How did he like the belly ring?
Joan - Oh! I forgot to show him. (Both laugh) He's actually running off to spend, like, forever in the computer lab.
Judith - You two are gonna have to make an appointment to see each other. That's what my parents do. 11:00 to 11:04. Conversation and sex.
Joan - Ha!
Judith - What if Adam had Friedman's laptop?
Joan - $425? Forget it.
Judith - I already found a bowie t-shirt from his first tour in here. You know what Rudi would pay for that? We have lots of other bags. All we have to do is... uh, what is it? Um... expand and conquer.
Joan - Of course. Move beyond the school. Put bins in a few stores... the bookstore.
Judith - Ooh.
Joan - Half the money buys more clothes for the homeless, and then they get the clothes that we don't sell.
Judith - And we keep half the profits.
Joan - For Adam's laptop. Then he can work wherever he wants.
Judith - Get some free time with his honey.
Joan - Plus increase his productivity and make him even more valuable to his boss. Everybody wins. [Gasps] Hey. Did you see those guess sunglasses the other day?
Judith - Yeah.
Back to Luke and Grace in their storage room.
Grace - No sucky-face yet, bone rack. We have a physics midterm in 2 days, and I know less about Planck's constant than that lobster... or is that 2 frogs?
Luke - That's not why I'm here.
Grace - (looks at a pamphlet that Luke has just given her) "Alateen?" You blabbed about me... to a roomful of freaks?
Luke - I picked it up at the public library, and they're not freaks. They're kids like us.
Grace - Dude, have you been inhaling the formaldehyde? There's no way I'm doing this.
Luke - Go to one meeting. (He is asking her as a boyfriend who is looking out for the emotional interest of his girlfriend)
Grace - I've been through it all, Girardi. There is nothing new they can tell me.
Luke - You've been through it by yourself. It doesn't have to be that way anymore.
Leave them again and cut to Helen and Lily shopping at the same thrift store that Joan sold the items to.
Helen - We're thinking of counter suing Andy's family.
Lily - Good. Does the colour make me look like a corpse?
Helen - Maybe this isn't the best place to talk.
Lily - Retail therapy, Helen. Don't underestimate it.
Helen - So you don't think counter suing seems sort of...
Lily - human?
Helen - I'm just so angry all the time, every second, every minute. I don't want to be this person. Aren't we supposed to try to be as good as we possibly can?
Lily - Oh, you wanna be a saint.
Helen - You are so hard to talk to.
Lily - Hey! Don't take your anger out on me just 'cause I have a delightful personality.
Helen - Well, I don't want to be a saint.
Lily - But you're thinking about letting these people take your house and toss your family into the street so that god can pat you on the head and tell you how selfless you are. Look, I know that god says that the poor will always be among us, but I don't think he would want us to get poor by being stupid.
Helen - You know, I was gonna try and get you to stop smoking, but now I don't really care.
Lily - (Picks up the Italian leather coat that Joan sold) Well, too bad you're not human 'cause you would look great in this.
Helen - Oh, that is beautiful.
Rudi - (Always ready to make a deal) A steal at 150, dear.
Lily - 150? What are you smoking?
Rudi - It's Italian leather.
Helen - It's ok, Lilly. I didn't really need it.
Lily - No. If there's anyone who needs fine, Italian craftsmanship, it's you... if you, uh, let me borrow it some time.
Helen - (To Rudi) I'll give you $90 for it. Take it or leave it.
Rudi - 120.
Helen - (getting huffy) You know, I'm already being ripped off by somebody who paralysed my son, so I don't need anybody else trying to make a buck off me because he thinks I might be vulnerable--
Rudi - fine, fine. 90.
Lily - (Proud) Saint Helen the bitchy. Hmm.
Cut to commercial break. When we return, we are with Kevin in his room. He is sitting in front of the mirror, going over some jokes. Joan stands in the door way, listening.
Kevin - “Sometimes, when nobody's looking, I use the non-handicapped toilet, but then I feel guilty“. ‘It's really not so bad being in my position. Nobody every yells, "down in front!”’ “And, uh, I don't want you to think my equipment is all broken down there. The chair reclines“...
Joan - [Giggling] What are you doing?
Kevin - What? Nothing. Why are you here?
Joan - I have to ask you a question.
Kevin - You were laughing.
Joan - Yeah. That's because you're sick.
Kevin - Do you think it would be nuts of me to try open mic. night at the laugh riot?
Joan - I had a question, remember? Then we'll get to Shecky Girardi.
Kevin - Fine.
Joan - (She flops down on his bed with her hands above her head, her shirt pulls up so you can see her belly ring) So, um... if a girl does something really crazy cool for you, you know, like bought you something totally expensive, something that you really needed, would you freak?
Kevin - Is that what I think it is?
Joan - Oh... no. Yes. If-- if you promise not to tell.
Kevin - You did that for Adam?
Joan - No! Well, maybe.
Kevin - Is that what he needed?
Joan - Can we please just focus?
Kevin - Sure. What happens if I pull on it?
Joan - Oh, Kevin, forget it!
Kevin - No! Ok! I would say no gift. If he really needs it, it'd take away his manhood, and it'll shrivel up.
Joan - What will? (She gets a bad picture in his head) Oh, god.
Kevin - Not his fault. It's what happens when girls do stuff for us we're supposed to be able to do for ourselves.
Joan - That's too pathetic to be true.
Kevin - Family vacations-- how many times did mom drive?
Joan - But this is gonna change Adam's life. And mine.
Kevin - All right, then do it. But make him feel like you didn't really do anything.
Joan - So, lie?
Kevin - It's that or, uh... mm. (He mimes shriving up)
Joan - Ok, I got it! Don't need the visual. (She turns to leave)
Kevin - Hey, what about the laugh riot?
Joan - I will be there. Just don't shrivel up if you don't get all your laughs.
She closes the door. At school the next day, Joan is following Friedman around trying to convince him to give her a deal on the lap top.
Joan - Friedman, I have $250 cash!
Friedman - The software alone is worth that. (To Judith, who is taking a bag of donations out of the bin) Strain not thy lithesome frame, fair Ophelia.
Joan - (To Friedman) Hey! Stay, Droopio.
Joan pulls Judith aside.
Joan - Find any more treasure?
Judith - Just ratty sweaters and some tighty-whities. Who donates old underpants?
Joan - Look, I don't have enough cash. He's gonna put that thing on e-bay in like an hour.
Judith - Chill. He'll cough it up for me.
Joan - Judith, it's Friedman. He's the ebola virus in tube socks.
Judith - You get to spend more time with Adam, I get to knock the rust off my flirtation skills.
Judith goes over to Friedman and turns on the charm.
Judith - Listen, Shakespeare, you want to make Judith happy, don't you? Couldn't you cut jo-jo here a break on that computer of yours?
Friedman - B-but she--she-- she doesn't-- uh, she doesn't--
Judith - my, you-- you have such a big laptop.
Friedman - Oh, I... oh, I--I--I--
Judith - if you deny jo-jo, you deny me.
Friedman - No. I--no. I--
Judith - (Gives him a kiss on the cheek and walks away. At the risk of sounding crude, Friedman looks like he is going to blow up, then Joan and Judith walk away with the lap top.) the girl's still got it.
Cut to the sheriff’s station, in Will’s office. He is playing golf (golf balls and a cup) when Preston walks in.
Preston - Well, somebody's in a good mood.
Will - Setting a bad example? Sorry.
Preston - No, no, no. Hey, I was just starting to think that you didn't even know how to smile.
Will - I, uh... I convinced Helen we have to counter sue. I probably shouldn't celebrate, but after rolling over for so long.
Preston - No explanation necessary. Listen, if you need any help, I--
Will - thanks. I think we're in good shape now.
Preston - All right. Well, I'm just putting it out there because I have a friend in Chicago who found out some things.
Will - Things?
Preston - Andy's father, Tim baker, owned a small company.
Will - Baker and burke. They make shipping containers.
Preston - Yeah. Well, it's just Burke now. I talked to somebody at the Illinois state securities department.
Will - About this?
Preston - Well, he's an old friend. We were just catching up, you know, and I mentioned baker's name. I really don't even remember how it came up. Anyway, it seems that there was some tax questions surrounding this company when it went public, and you can see that back here on these sheets that I got from the S.E.C.
Will - You have a lot of friends.
Preston - They suspect that baker cooked the books trying to avoid taxes, and his partner threatened to report him. Why else would a man walk away from a business after 20 years? And I'll bet he might walk again if you knew you had this.
Will - So, all of this just came up in a conversation with old buddies.
Preston - Hey, I'm a cop. How many times do you get the chance to squash the bad guy before he hurts some good people?
Will - Next time, you should talk to me first.
Preston - Yeah... but you would have just said no.
At Adam’s locker. He has just opened it to find Joan’s present.
Joan - (popping out from behind the corner) Surprise!
Adam - Jane. What is this?
Joan - It's a reward… (Gives him a kiss) for being the best boyfriend on the planet. It's a loan! It's not a gift. I talked my parents into getting it for me.
Adam - I thought you hated computers.
Joan - Well, I mean, I finally decided to join the rest of the world. And you can borrow it, which means you can work wherever you want, like in places where I am.
Adam - Well, are you sure you're not gonna need it?
Joan - Not as much as you. It'll help you be more productive, which means the ad campaign will be better, which means more kids will stay away from drugs, which means they'll be better citizens and contribute more to society.
Adam - Well... cha, I just wanted to not get fired.
Joan - And you won't get fired.
Adam - Jane, this is amazing. Thank you.
Helen walks by and talks to Joan.
Helen - Hey, I have to bring some clothes over to St. Agnes. You want a ride?
Joan - (notices the “New” coat) Your coat, where'd-- where'd you get it?
Helen - A vintage store with Lilly. Hey, I haven't had a new coat for 3 years,
and it's second-hand.
Joan - You have to return it. It's way too freaky Friday.
Adam - I think it rocks, Mrs. G.
Joan - Not helping.
Helen - Thank you, Adam.
Adam - Sure. Heh. And the computer is way cool, too.
Helen -The computer?
Joan - (pulling Helen away) Oh, just keep the stupid coat. Let's go.
At the church.
Helen - Hey, Lilly.
Lily - Hey. Wow. You're amazing, kid. How are you at changing water into wine? (Helen goes to another shelf and Lily sees Joan scratching her ring) Somebody get pierced?
Joan - Shh! How did you know?
Lily - I can't get through a metal detector without the S.W.A.T. Team surrounding me. You been using alcohol?
Joan - Yes, but it won't heal. It's oozing and gooey--
Lily - yeah, been there. It's the price of Freakdom.
At Helen’s shelf.
Man - I love your coat.
Helen - Thank you.
Man - It's very unusual. I bought one just like that for my wife on a trip to Milan. She passed away last month.
Helen - Oh, I'm sorry.
Man - Our daughter donated it at school. It's for the homeless. You can't cherry pick donations.
Helen - Are you accusing me of stealing?
Joan - Uh, mom, we-- we should probably go. I--I have to study, so--
Man - her name's Ellen Sanders. Her initials are written on the label.
Lily - She bought it at a vintage store.
Helen - (Taking off the coat. Joan is looking petrified) It's ok, Lilly, I... didn't take your coat. (She looks at the label and Joan turns away) I am so sorry. I don't know how this happened. I--
Man - hmm. Yeah.
Helen is mortified, Joan is shocked and all the others in the room have lost their trust in the system. (Way to Go Joan!) We cut to a commercial break here. After the break, we see Joan and Judith in a panic at the vintage store.
Joan - We need my aunt's clothes back! It's an emergency.
Rudi - I thought she died.
Judith - Well, yeah, but her uncle is really mad.
Rudi - Ok. Just give me 500.
Joan - But you only gave us, like, 400.
Rudi - It's called capitalism, dears. I'm entitled to something for my trouble.
Judith -We were helping the homeless.
Rudi - Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice-- (Sees Helen walk in) oh, no, not her.
Joan and Judith Turn around just as Helen walks in.
Helen - (To Rudi) Where did you get this?
Rudi - Why did I take my eye mask off today?
Helen - Where did you get this coat?!
Rudi - It belonged to her (Pointing out Joan) late aunt.
Helen - Oh, god.
Joan - Mom, it's not how it looks, ok? Yes, we sold the stuff.
Judith - But we sunk all the money back into buying clothes for the homeless.
Joan - Yeah, we bought like 5 times as much clothes as we ever could've gotten.
Helen - And you didn't keep anything for yourselves?
Joan - Well, not much, anyway.
Helen - What did you take?
Joan - Nothing! Almost nothing. I mean, we were supposed to take something for incentive, you know, like Adam Smith said.
Helen - Oh, shut the hell up about Adam Smith!
Rudi - I really wouldn't cross her.
Helen - Where's the money?
Joan - Well, it's-- it's sort of gone.
Helen - Sort of?
Joan - We got belly rings.
Helen - What?
Joan - And we got a laptop for Adam. (Quickly) Rove.
Judith - We got a really good deal on it.
Joan - Mom, I swear, we didn't hurt anybody.
Helen - People have stopped donating clothes. They trusted us! That man gave us his dead wife's coat for the homeless, not for you! And not for belly rings!
Joan is almost in tears. Her eyes are full. (Gotta hand it to Amber to cry on cue) Helen storms out. We cut to Grace and Luke at the Alateen meeting. This is the most touching scene in the episode.
Boy - [Sighs] It's always worst when his V.A. Check comes. He drinks the whole thing first day... calls me from lock-up. But I wouldn't go get him last time. I wouldn't do it.
Grace - (Whispering to Luke) This is just too weird, Girardi.
Leader - Anybody else?
Grace - (Grace stands up) Hi, my name is Grace.
All - Hi, grace.
Grace - Uh... (In a strong voice) nothing leaves this room, right? Because I will hunt you people down. Uh... (back to soft) my mother is an alcoholic. (Luke, who is sitting beside her, takes her hand, she looks over at him) And this is... (There is a long pause here, and if you are like me, you are shouting to the TV.. SAY IT! SAY “BOYFRIEND”!) my boyfriend... Luke.
All - Hi, Luke.
Luke Stands up. I am so very proud of Grace in this scene. She over came her need to shut everyone out of her emotional life, and she over came the wall that was keeping her from showing that she and Luke were a couple. I wonder if this Grace will turn up in school, or will they still have to hide in corners.
Anyways, we go to Adam‘s shed, where he is working on the lap top when Joan comes in. She is depressed. It takes Adam a few minutes to catch on.
Joan - Hey.
Adam - Hey. I just started on my layout. You should check out this funky font. It's called Buddha bold.
Joan - I have to take the computer back.
Adam - Sure. I'll just work on my stuff later.
Joan - Actually, there's not really gonna be any...later.
Adam - Jane, what's going on?
Joan - I am so sorry, Adam.
Adam - Your stomach, it's leaking.
Joan - Oh, yeah. I got my belly pierced, only it's infected, and if I take the bandage off, then my belly button will come out with it.
Adam - Are you ok?
Joan - No. No. I hate-- hate economics. I... my parents didn't buy the computer, I did, with stuff I took from the clothing drive. Ok, well, stole. I thought I was doing good, but I got all caught up. And then it was like this interstate crime spree except... well, I stayed here.
Adam - You stole from the homeless?
Joan - Yes. I am a horrible human being.
Adam - Yeah.
Joan - Well, you weren't supposed to say that.
Adam - Jane, you-- you stole from the homeless.
Joan - Ok! I think we've established that. [Sighs] I don't how things got so nuts. You know, I was-- I wanted to help you. You have school and you go to work and you have to take care of your dad and we miss each other.
Adam - Jane... Jane, look.
Joan - (Crying) Just don't say anything perfect, ok? I can't take it right now.
Adam - We already have so much. I mean, sometimes more than we need.
Joan - [Sighs] Just don't. Don't.
Joan leaves with the laptop and we cut to the Girardi living room.
Helen - [Sighs] How did we go from counter suit to blackmail?
Will - It's not blackmail.
Helen - You said that we could get represented on a contingency basis, not have to lay out any money.
Will - Sure, but if the jury decides against us, we'd have to pay their legal fees, too. This is our safest option.
Kevin - Since when is going nuclear safe?
Will - They'd do it to us.
Helen - Oh, so you want us to go from being them to making them look virtuous? This isn't like you, Will. How did you even get this information?
Will - Now it's wrong to try and protect my family?
Kevin - Dad, mom's right. If the bakers are our moral compass, we're pretty lost. Counter suing, that's enough.
Upstairs, Joan is lying on her bed with Judith. Joan is trying to pull out her belly ring.
Joan - I gave the computer to the church along with all the money I had, but I still feel like the bottom of a bird cage.
Judith - Your mom freaks me out. She didn't call my parents.
Joan - That's because she knows guilt is a much more effective weapon.
Judith - Man, if my parents found out... they'd make it all about them, drag us back into family therapy. A cigar is never a cigar in my family.
Joan - [Sighs] I'm sorry. This was all my fault.
Judith - Yeah, like I go out of my way to avoid trouble.
Joan - What were we thinking?
Judith - That looks nasty. It's gonna scar.
Joan - Tell me about it.
Judith is right, Joan’s piercing looks gross. At least the colour of the gauze is gross.
At the comedy club. A man is telling HORRIBLE jokes. Luke is the only one laughing.. And he is laughing a little too much.
Man - I, uh--I almost had a psychic girlfriend once, but she left me before we met.
Luke - Ha!
Man - Um... all of those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. Uh, well, I, uh... (The crowed is shouting “Get off the stage”) I see a shotgun pointed at me, must mean it's my time to go. Thank... well, just you, (meaning Luke) actually.
Announcer - Ok. We’ll be right back with Kevin Girardi.
In the crowed.
Will - I don't know, Kev. I don't want people laughing at you.
Kevin - Well, that's kind of the whole point, Dad.
Helen - You've always thought that he was funny.
Will - Yeah, but this is different. I don't know why he has to do it here. (Kevin waves and Beth comes over)
Joan - Oh, pretty clear now, isn't it, dad?
Helen - Beth!
Beth - So, big night, huh?
Will - Yeah, can't wait.
Helen - Joan, why don't you go get us some refills?
Joan - Because I screw up, now I have to be your slave?
Helen - Yeah, it's one of the joys of motherhood.
Joan - (To the bar tender, a few minutes later) Hi, uh, 3 cokes, a diet coke, and a sprite, please.
Man - (the comedian who bombed) It's a comedy club. Shouldn't you be smiling, Joan?
Joan - Yeah, my life is a Will Ferrell movie.
God - Well, it's always darkest before the dawn. And if you're planning to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Joan - [Sighs] Finally. Something you're not good at.
God - Hey, your brother liked me.
Joan - I was using what I learned. Isn't that what you wanted me to do?
God - Here. (Hands her a dollar bill) What does this say?
Joan - In you we trust.
God - You stopped trusting. You wanted more... and more...
Joan - so money is the root of all evil.
God - Actually, the real quote is, "love of money is the root of all evil."
Joan - Why don't you just make everybody rich?
God - How you see the world, how you deal with it... that determines your real wealth.
Announcer: He calls himself "the last comic sitting." Let's give a big laugh riot welcome to Kevin Girardi. Enjoy.
There are Cheers and applause
Kevin - Um, a lot of new comics worry that their routine is gonna be a car wreck, but, uh, I already got that out of the way, so you can all relax. See, um, my best friend drove me into a tree, and now he's suing me for a million dollars because...he's depressed. I do really feel bad for him, but it also is kind of like the united states suing Hiroshima. Like, "hey... you ruined our bomb! That was our favourite bomb!" But, um, even if he does win, I got the last laugh. I still have 6 of his cds and I am not giving them back. All right! I don't understand that, though. What about money makes people so crazy? I mean, how much do we really need? I mean, I make plenty because I rent out my handicapped plates. One guy was such a moron, he, uh--he got out of the car with a white cane. I also make a lot of money outside the Starbucks. I'll just be sitting outside. You will be surprised how many people throw their change into my latte. It's awesome. And I save a bundle on shoes. I mean, one pair is gonna last me the rest of my life. See, there are a lot of benefits to having no feeling below the waist. The party games for one. There’s... "let's freeze Kevin's legs." Then there's, uh, let's see, "pin the tail on my ass." Does it hurt!
It is really funny. And the whole crowed, Girardi’s included, are laughing. Beth is laughing a lot too. They fade out on another good episode “Wealth of Nations”
