Joan and her dad are arguing in the livingroom, while a television is on, showing the news.
Joan: I think I'm old enough to decide how much makeup is too much makeup.
Will: The only way to prove that to me is by wearing too little.
Joan: Yesterday you told me to wear less, and I wasn't wearing any.
Will: The point is you don't need it.
Joan: The point is you're not a guy my age.
Will: Turn that off will you?
Joan goes to turn the television off.
Anchorman (God): Wait Joan, don't touch that dial. Please don't freak out. It's me, the king of kings, the almighty.
Joan: God is doing the news?
Anchorman (God): I know, you thought you were done after the last time we spoke. You hoped it was an isolated incident of mental breakdown, and that your life would just return to normal.
Joan: Yeah, well, I'm talking to the television, so normal works for me.
Anchorman (God): I'll keep this short.
Will walks in and turns off the television.
Joan: Oh my god! What did you do?
Will: Yeah, it's a crime against God to turn off the television.
They both walk into the kitchen.
Will: It's after 7, they should be home.
Luke: You know, some people believe that microwaves suck all the energy out of food.
Joan: [turns on the tv, leans down close to it whispering] Hello, Joan to God! Hello.
Luke: In fact, microwaves emanate.
Will: What?
Luke: Microwaves actually energize food in the form of molecular kinetic vibrations, AKA heat.
Will: It was a simple driving test. What's the big delay?
Luke: So, if you dry a cat in the microwave, it'll explode.
Will: What's with you and tvs tonight? [turns tv off]
Joan: God! Dad, quit being so nervous.
Will: I wasn't nervous the first time Kevin got his license, why would I be nervous this time?
Luke: Maybe because last time he got his license, he ended up a paraplegic.
Will: What did you say?
Luke: I'm--I'm--I'm sorry, were you listening?
A car honks outside and Joan turns the tv back on.
Helen: We're home!
Kevin: Do not buy me a car.
Will: Does this mean you passed?
Helen: With a perfect score.
Kevin: King of the Gimp Drivers. I wanna buy my own car.
Will: Apparently, Kevin wishes to buy his own car.
Helen: Do you have any idea how much that will to cost?
Kevin: I will get a job.
Will: He will get a job.
Helen: How, he has no transportation?
Luke: Wow! That's a classic chicken and egg paradox.
Helen: A lot of jobs require you to have your own car.
Kevin: Well, I'm not looking for a career in pizza delivery.
Joan: I'm going to go upstairs and watch tv.
Kevin: God mom, you wanted me to get my license for hand controls. I got it. Isn't that enough for one day?
Helen: Why can't you help?
Will: Help what? What are we fighting about?
Luke: [microwave timer goes off] Dinner is served.
Joan and Luke are walking to school.
Joan: Don't you have any friends that you could walk to school with?
Luke: Don't worry, they'll think I'm cool, styling with my big sister. Oh wait, you're worried that one of your friends will see us together. Wait a minute, you don't have any friends.
Joan: And ironically, you're still cramping my style. Hold this. [hands him her mirror]
They see a boy crouching down, looking under a van.
Joan: Who's the reject?
Luke: Adam Rove. Huge stoner. Hey, maybe he'll be your friend.
Joan: What is he doing?
Luke: Looking for lost brain cells, I dunno. [the school bell rings and everyone but Joan runs inside]
Joan: What kind of loser runs just because the bell rings?
Sweeper Driver (God): Hey kid, it's me. You need proof? Fine. Sometimes you like to practice french kissing yourself on the mirror.
Joan: Why do you have to be so mean? Look, that was my Dad who turned you off last night, so if there's some kind of penalty, then I think...
Sweeper Driver (God): Fine. He shall spend all of eternity burning in hell.
Joan: No, no, no, no, my dad's a really great man.
Sweeper Driver (God): I'm kidding. There's no penalty for turning me off. Hey, just because I speak doesn't mean anyone has to listen.
Joan: Really?
Sweeper Driver (God): Yeah, free will is one of my better innovations. I give suggestions, not assignments.
Joan: I feel a...suggestion coming on.
Sweeper Driver (God): Stop squandering the potential I gave you. Stop underachieving. Have some pride.
Joan: Wait. In what, like school?
Sweeper Driver (God): School's a start. Have some pride.
Joan: Pride? What happened to humility?
Sweeper Driver (God): Humility isn't actually humility unless you are good enough at something to be humble.
At a crime scene, police are investigating after someone is killed in a fire.
Lt. Daghlian: Somebody gets burned to a crisp, that's murder.
Lt. Roebuck: Only if it's arson, and it ain't arson till I say it's arson.
Will: Is it arson?
Lt. Roebuck: That's what I'm investigating. And until I decide you have no jurisdiction.
Lt. Daghlian: Nozzle heads have no respect for a crime scene.
Lt. Roebuck: Nozzle heads? Girl Scouts solve more murders than you people do.
Will: That may have been true in the past, not any more. So you want to rethink your tone?
Chief Wyatt: Come on now, let's get fraternal.
Will: Chief Wyatt.
Chief Wyatt: Don't get all stiff and efficient just because the kids are fighting.
Will: We're having crime scene issues.
Chief Wyatt: Roy, what you're going to do is you are going to inform um...
Will: Detective Daghlian.
Chief Wyatt: As soon as you ascertain whether or not it's arson. Daghlian, what is that? Is that Armenian? You know, you don't see a lot of Armenian cops. Are we straight on this, Roebuck?
Lt. Roebuck: I've been an arson investigator for 8 years.
Chief Wyatt: I'm guaranteeing Chief Girardi personally, don't prove me a liar.
Will: Thank you, Chief Wyatt.
Chief Wyatt: Call me Tom, or Tommy.
Will: Will. Not Willy. Ever.
Chief Wyatt: Never mind Roy, he's sensitive about hierarchy. Maybe he feels inferior to cops.
Will: But you don't.
Chief Wyatt: Oh hell no. Cops are heroes what, maybe 10 percent of the time? Everyone body loves a fire fighter. Listen Will, I want to invite you and your wife to my place Thursday. Cocktails, maybe a few people you'd enjoy meeting.
Will: Thanks, Tommy, we'd be delighted.
Chief Wyatt: All right, Thursday. I'll send the details to your office.
Will: A few weeks ago he wouldn't return my phone calls.
Lt. Daghlian: Now, I've got a theory. My bet is he asks you to become a Centurion.
Will: Great, when do we attack Carthage?
Lt. Daghlian: It's like the Kiwanis Club. They build parks and old folks homes.
Will: What does that have to do with Chief Wyatt?
Lt. Daghlian: Well, he's a Centurion. All the mucky-mucks are. It's political. About time they ask you, you being Chief of Police.
Will: Well, if charity work and riding on little motorcycles in parades gets things done, sign me up. Keeping -?- on homicide.
At school, Joan is sitting in the office and Helen is working in the attendance office.
Helen: What is the reason for your tardiness?
Grace: Take a guess, he's still in his jammies.
Boy: I slept in and missed the bus.
[Helen gives him a slip and next in line is Grace]
Helen: Every day Grace?
Grace: You are supposed to ask the reason for my tardiness.
Helen: You are late for school every day, and late for every single class. The vice principal thinks you're doing it on purpose to flaunt his authority.
Grace: Mrs. Girardi, you gotta ask me.
Helen: If you don't make at least one class on time this week, he will suspend you, and if it happens again after that he will expel you.
Grace: Come on, ask me.
Helen: What is the reason for your tardiness?
Grace: The reason for my tardiness is I am late.
[Helen gives Grace a slip and sees Joan sitting there in the office]
Helen: Why are you waiting to see the vice principal?
Joan: Mrs. Girardi, here's the deal. At school you and I don't know each other, okay?
Mr. Price: [walking Adam out of his office] First thing every morning you report to me, understand?
Adam: Uh...huh.
Mr. Price: I may not be able to stop you from getting high away from school, but you are mine between 8 in the morning and 3 in the afternoon.
Adam: Okay, Mr. Price.
Mr. Price: If I even suspect that you are under the influence of drugs what will happen?
Adam: You'll urine test me.
Mr. Price: For your own good.
Adam: And call the cops.
Mr. Price: Uh...huh.
Adam: Ruin my life.
Mr. Price: All for your own good. Ah, Miss Girardi. Walk with me please.
They walk down the hall.
Mr. Price: So, advanced placement? [Joan nods] I can't hear if you nod, Miss Girardi, you are going to have to speak up. There is nothing in your record to suggest academic achievement.
Joan: I know.
Mr. Price: Ah, why take advance placement?
Joan: I need a reason?
Mr. Price: Premise, argument, conclusion. The correctness of reasoning. The validity of inference.
Joan: I don't know what you're saying.
Mr. Price: Yes, you need a reason.
Joan: Well, it's personal.
Mr. Price: Oh please, nothing about adolescent romance, we are discussing academics. I see you, Mr. Denburg, my office, 3:15.
Joan: Do you believe in God?
Mr. Price: That would only be pertinent if God told you to take advanced placement.
Joan: He might have, he isn't always clear.
Mr. Price: Miss Girardi, messages from God suggests psychosis, psychosis is a matter for the school psychiatrist, and massive does of thorazine. So, for the record, did God ask you to take advanced courses?
Joan: [laughs] Mr. Price, I want to do better.
Mr. Price: I have one vacancy in AP Chem. Take it or leave it.
Will is in his office, followed by the D.A.
D.A Fellowes: How's the chief of police?
Will: Slightly apprehensive when the D.A Fellowes pays a personal visit.
D.A Fellowes: I dropped by earlier, but apparently you were out sifting through ambers.
Will: Small juridical dispute.
D.A Fellowes: You are a much more hands on kind of guy than our last chief of police.
Will: I take it you don't approve.
D.A Fellowes: Well there is some concern when a police chief immerses himself in trivialities larger questions such as budget, staffing, inter-agency relations...
Will: When I got here this department had the worst conviction rate of any city of it's size in the nation.
D.A Fellowes: No one's suggesting you haven't really turned things around.
Will: Plus, I dont answer to the D.A Fellowes, I answer to the mayor.
D.A Fellowes: Who do you think sent me? [gets up and leaves]
In AP Chem, Joan is standing in the front of the room, as Grace walks in late, followed by Mr. Price.
Ms. Lischak: You're late.
Mr. Price: See me after school Miss Polk.
Ms. Lischak: Class, this is Joan Girardi, who will be joining us in AP Chemistry. Take a seat with that group. [pointing to Grace and Adam's table] Let us consider ionic reactions in terms of sign and bait. So if you turn to page 64...
At the Girardi house, the family is eating dinner.
Helen: How about for kicks, everyone tells something good they did today?
Kevin: Mom, if you want to know if I looked for work, just ask.
Helen: Will?
Will: I did not pull out my gun and shoot an arson investigator or the D.A Fellowes.
Helen: Good for you. Luke?
Luke: I didn't laugh when Joan was introduced in my AP Chem class.
Joan: Luke took mine. I'm now taking chemistry with the clam heads, move on. Kevin, your turn.
Helen: Have you given any more thought to getting your own transportation?
Kevin: [drops his fork on his plate and throws down his napkin] I've already got my own wheels. [wheels out of the room]
The next morning, Kevin is getting himself out of bed.
Helen: [knocks on door frame] Good, you're awake.
Kevin: Half awake anyway. The other half is still sound asleep. [hits his legs] Wake up you lazy bastards, it's morning.
Helen: Please don't make those jokes.
Kevin: Why?
Helen: Because if somebody else made those jokes about you I would scratch their eyes out.
Kevin: [notices Helen holding a paper] What's that?
Helen: I Googled used cars with hand controls, in case you're interested. [kisses him on the head and turns to walk away]
Kevin: [grabs her hand] Thanks, mom.
In AP Chem class, Joan is sitting there, chin in hand, watching Adam draw on his paper.
Ms. Lischak: Reactants are subject to three laws of chemical combination. The law of constant composition, the law of multiple proportions, and the law of reciprocal proportions. So, the chemical concepts here include single replacement, exothermic reaction, Enthalpy and Luke... [points her stick at Luke]
Luke: Entropy.
Ms. Lischak: [starts dancing] Go Luke, go Luke [class begins chanting with her] Go Luke, go, go, go Luke.
Luke - Iron oxide is reduced to metallic iron by aluminum reaching a temperature of...
Ms. Lischak: Need a calculator?
Luke: No. Aproximately 3,000 degrees centigrade.
Ms. Lischak: [bell rings] Okay hey, woah...home test tonight. List the chemical equations, which take place in a typical wood fire...full group participation. Due before the bell, no exceptions.
At the scene of the arson investigation, Will walks up to Lt. Roebuck.
Will: Mr. Roebuck.
Lt. Roebuck: Lieutenant Roebuck.
Will: Hey Lieutenant, I'm a chief.
Lt. Roebuck: Not my chief.
Will: If you are withholding evidence, this chief will arrest you for obstruction of justice.
Lt. Roebuck: I'm not withholding. I'm taking the time I need to do a thorough investigation. Your guys should try it sometime.
Will: Lt. Roebuck, every moment you delay, the trail gets colder, and the arsonist is a step closer to getting away with murder.
Lt. Roebuck: Anybody ask you questions about who might benefit from this building being burned down?
Will: Hey Lieutenant, we'll do our job, you do yours.
Lt. Roebuck: It's at least a reason a person could expect.
Kevin is at the park, Joan walks over to him.
Joan: When did you start smoking?
Kevin: Don't knock it, it's the only exercise I get. Besides, it makes me look cool.
Joan: Yeah, chicks really dig a perv smoking and staring at the kids in the yard.
Kevin: [throws his cigarette down] Stamp that out will ya? I'm not a good stamper.
Joan: Mom thinks you're out looking for a job. FYI...that's pitiful.
Kevin: Yeah well, these days Pityville is my hometown.
Joan: Kev, why don't you just let the parental units buy you a car?
Kevin: Oh, I suppose you'd let them by you a car?
Joan: Duh, any normal person would. [Joan realizes what she said, and there's an awkward silence] I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way.
Kevin: I remember normal. Back when I was normal I wanted them to buy me a car. You know what they said? They said no. They said be a man. Get a job, buy your own car. So, what's changed since then? Huh? Joan, what's changed?
Joan: [crying] You know what's changed.
Kevin: Yup, nobody expects me to be a man anymore. [wheels away]
Joan: You stopped trying! You just sit around and smoke in the park like some sub-defective.
A ball flies to Joan and she catches it, and a little girl is there standing on the other side of the fence.
Little Girl: Why are you crying?
Joan: I got in a fight with my brother.
Little Girl: Because he doesn't try hard enough?
Joan: You heard that, yeah?
Little Girl: I hear everything, Joan.
Joan: [realizes it's God] Let Kevin walk, please. I'll just ask this one favor and then I'll never ask for one again. It's so easy for you. All you have to do is snap your fingers or blink your eyes. Just let Kevin stand up and walk.
Little Girl (God): People ask me to do things. Big things, little things. Billions of times every day.
Joan: What do you expect? You're God.
Little Girl (God): I put a lot of thought into the universe. Came up with the rules. It sets a bad example if I break them. Not to mention, It shows favoritism. Why should one person get a miracle and not everybody else? Can you imagine the confusion? It's better when we all abide by the rules.
Joan: No miracles?
Little Girl (God): Miracles happen within the rules. That's why I came to you.
Joan: To perform miracles?
Little Girl (God): You're an instrument of God, bound by the limit of time and space. Perfect. Can I have my ball? [Joan throws the ball over the fence to the girl] You'd like to give me a slap, wouldn't you?
Joan: Yeah, but you're so cute.
Little Girl (God): By the way, as an instrument of me, have some pride. Do better, do your best.
Joan: Now, I'd like to slap you.
Joan, Adam, and Grace are sitting around Joan's kitchen table doing homework.
Joan: So, what do we do first?
Grace: Ask your brother for the answers.
Joan: To be humble you have to be proud.
Adam: Wait, aren't those opposites?
Grace: Ask, ask him. [referring to Luke]
Joan: No, look let's just break it down, okay? Is there a chemical formula for twigs?
Adam: Uh...cellulose is C 6 H 12 O 6 [Joan drops her pencil] Uh..I have an eidetic memory.
Joan: Whats that?
Luke: Photographic.
Grace: He can barely remember his name.
Adam: Listen, I know a lot, I just can't put it all together.
Joan: Okay, um...what about a chemical equation for fire?
Grace: Wood doesn't actually burn.
Joan: That's insane.
Grace: What burns is the gas released when the wood gets hot. Therefore the reaction would have to be gasification, through oxidation reduction, then combustion.
Luke: It is so hot that you know that.
Adam: Dude, are you smart?
Grace: Just because I refute the whole formal schooling equals knowledge crap doesn't mean I'm stupid.
Adam: Nice.
Joan: Okay, so what about gas?
Adam: 'Cha, like I know.
Grace: And rainman's back to underpants.
Adam: You tell me the formula and I'll tell you the substance. Or, you tell me the substance and I'll tell you the formula.
Joan: Well, work it backwards.
Grace: Okay. Charcoal, plus the mystery gas equals wood plus oxygen and heat.
Adam: C 50 H 10 O plus 10 CH 2 O, that's formaldehyde. Equals oxidized and reduced C 6 H 12 O 6.
Joan: Okay, what does that mean?
Grace: It means were done. Good night. [gets her stuff and leaves]
Joan: Did we get it right?
Luke: It's like watching three monkeys build a particle accelerator using tinfoil and a bibi gun.
Will: [walking in with Helen] We just past an extremely rude boy outside.
Helen: No, that wasn't a boy. That was Grace Polk.
Joan: Sorry, Grace is sort of...
Helen: Oh and look it's Adam Rove, right in my kitchen.
Adam: Hi, Mrs. Girardi. Headline, Adam Rove meets the uh...chief of police. [shakes Will's hand]
Will: [to Helen] I'll see you upstairs.
Joan: Mom, Adam says he knows where to get Kevin a car.
Helen: Yeah?
Adam: Yeah, my dad says there's one in impound.
Helen: Wait, is your dad a police officer?
Adam: 'Cha, no. No way, night janitor.
Helen: Oh.
Adam: Well, nice work Jane. [he leaves]
Joan: [noticing her mom looking at her suspiciously] He calls me Jane sometimes when he forgets that my name is Joan.
Will and Helen are in their bedroom.
Will: These are Joan's new friends? A person of mysterious gender and spaceboy?
Helen: There is a car with hand controls in impound.
Will: There is?
Helen: How can you not know that? You're chief of police.
Will: Impound yard. [puts hand down] Chief of police [puts hand up] How did you know?
Helen: Spaceboy. His father's your night janitor. I want you to look into it.
Will: That would be inappropriate.
Helen: Will!
Will: I'm chief of police, I can't be sulking around the impound yard looking for bargains.
Helen: You know what, how much did you have to drink tonight?
Will: Exactly the right amount.
Helen: Aren't you curious why Joan is suddenly doing honors chemistry?
Will: No.
In the middle of the night, Will's beeper goes off and says "I'm at your front door". He gets his gun and goes downstairs and opens the door.
Will: What the hell do you want?
Lt. Roebuck: I did my job. I'll be one amazed son of a bitch if you do yours. [he leaves]
Joan walks up to Grace in the school hallway.
Joan: Grace! Have you seen Adam?
Grace: Called in sick. Price is all bent cause he wants some of Adams pee.
Joan: He left his bag at my house.
Grace: Then stay away from me.
Joan: Why?
Grace: Because that backpack is probably full of booya schwag.
Joan: I am not hanging on to this till tomorrow for him, if it's full of drugs. My dad's the chief of police. Grace, you have to turn in our project.
Grace: I don't hand things in, and I never hand them in on time, it's my policy.
Joan: If you hand it in late, Ms. Lischak won't accept it. And then she's gonna flunk me and Adam, as well as yourself.
Grace: Again, thinking only of yourself.
Joan: Stop squandering your potential. Stop underachieving. Have some pride.
Will and Lt. Daghlian are at the police station.
Lt. Daghlian: The arsonist utilized this sophisticated device featuring a magnesium accelerant. Alright, we're looking for a pro.
Will: Magnesium is the type that outdoorsy types get from outdoorsy stores to start fires in outdoorsy places. See the list of people who recently purchased the stuff?
Lt. Daghlian: Oh, Tom Wyatts on this list. I dont see him being an outdoorsmen.
Will: Shareholders in a company called Badger Hill Development, Inc. which owns most of the land around the arson location.
Lt. Daghlian: Wyatt again. Did he really think we wouldn't get here?
Will: Maybe he didn't care. I was at a do last night. It seems to me that most of the people who make up Badger Hill Development were there.
Lt. Daghlian: These are the people that run things. I mean, way higher then I am on the food chain.
Will: We arrest people, we're the top of the food chain.
Lt. Daghlian: Sir, I'll, I'll, I'll do what ever you want, but...
Will: Only if I specifically order you to so? Maybe you want it in writing? Fully cover your ass?
Lt. Daghlian: It's the real world, chief. I gotta live too.
At school, Joan is running after the street sweeper, thinking it's God, it stops and Joan realizes it's not God. The sweeper drives away, and Joan bends over to pick something up off the ground, not noticing the man working on the power lines behind her.
Linesman (God): You looking for me?
Joan: Uh, not sure.
Linesman (God): Sometimes, when you're alone, that hideous titanic song makes you cry.
Joan: Why do you have to be so mean?
Linesman (God): Why do you have to keep questioning me? Most people would be on their best behavior.
Joan: Okay, look whatever. I was thinking about what you said when I asked you to cure Kevin. How it would show favoritism and that I'm an instrument of God. Then I realized, you want me to become a scientist, so I can discover a cure for Kevin.
Linesman (God): Newsflash Joan, you don't need to let me in on your thinking process, I'm omniscient.
Joan: Okay, well, I'm not omniscient, so I have to ask if I'm doing what you want.
Linesman (God): Simple, I want you to fulfill your true nature.
Joan: God!
Linesman (God): Yes?
Joan: No, I--I was taking your name in vain. To be technical. Sorry.
Linesman (God): Look, you won't always know why I ask you to do things. You won't always see the effects. Just think about what you learned in AP Chemistry.
Joan: I didn't learn anything. I got the others to do it.
Linesman (God): The smallest catalyst can set of mind-boggling chain reactions. One time, I said "Let there be light", all hell broke loose, figuratively speaking.
Joan: So, my true nature is to be a catalyst? That is mad anti-climatic.
Linesman (God): Anti-climactic. Anti-climatic means you're against the weather.
At the Girardi house, Kevin and Helen come outside to see a tow truck bring Kevin's car.
Kevin: You gotta be kidding.
Helen: I know it doesn't look like much...
Kevin: It looks...like a dumpster. [yelling] You might as well take it back!
Helen: No!
Kevin: I don't want it. Why can't you just let me do things my way?
Helen: Because, If I leave it to you, nothing will happen. You will just rot in that chair to spite us all. [to the tow truck driver] Thank you! [to Kevin] Do you remember when you first came home after the accident?
Kevin: Yes mom. I remember who washed me and wiped my ass, and fed me. Don't worry, I havent forgot any of that.
Helen: Kevin, that is just mother stuff. You don't owe me anything for that. Not even thanks. What I'm talking about is the day you came home, you asked me if you would ever feel normal again. What did I say?
Kevin: You said yes. You promised.
Helen: And I intend to keep that promise. No mater how hard you fight me, because nobody can stop me from keeping a promise to someone I love. Not even the person I love. Now here's this ugly vehicle and the least you can do is take it for a drive. Will you do that?
Kevin: Yeah.
Helen: Thank you. [stands up to go into the house]
Kevin: You want to come with me? [Helen turns around and smiles]
Joan is walking down the street and stops at a house with a lot of sculptures and art in the yard, and a man sitting on the front porch.
Joan: Excuse me? Is this Adam Rove's house?
Mr. Rove: Will be when I die. Until then we share it. Hey watch the uh...I don't know what that is.
Joan: Maybe an anonymity? I'm Joan Girardi, Adam's friend from school.
Mr. Rove: My son's going out with the police chief's daughter?
Joan: No, no, no, no. I was just bringing his knapsack.
Mr. Rove: That's too bad. Would have been great for my career.
Joan: Mr. Rove, did you make all these? They're really beautiful.
Mr. Rove: No, this is Adam's stuff. It's either crap or genius. I'm going with genius, and yet I'm his dad.
Joan: Adam did all this?
Mr. Rove: He's in the back.
In the shed, Adam is welding, sparks are flying.
Joan: Adam?
Adam: [he stops] Jane, uh..oh..hey um, come on in.
Joan: I uh, brought your bag. You left it at my house. Uh, that's...really beautiful.
Adam: 'Cha..fo shisel mah nizzel.
Joan: What is it?
Adam: Ah I don't know. Oh thanks. [takes his bag] Thanks for bringing me all these things. I really needed them to finish this...thing.
Joan: Well, to tell you the truth, I was actually kinda paranoid.
Adam: Why?
Joan: I wasn't sure what was in it. I thought it might be, you know booya schwag.
Adam: Whats booya schwag?
Joan: Weed.
Adam: I don't do that.
Joan: [laughs] Okay, sure.
Adam: I don't.
Joan: Well, when I saw you in Mr. Price's office, he was giving you that speech on drugs and urine. You didn't exactly argue with him.
Adam: Yeah, Price. That guy just keeps digging and digging away at you until he finds your own little mystery to use it against you. Far as I'm concerned, if he keeps digging at my drug problem, he won't find out my little secret.
Joan: Which is?
Adam: 'Cha, look around you. I talk to angels. [Joan looks at him] Relax Jane, it's a metaphor.
Joan: But, what if you actually could talk to angels?
Adam: I'd keep my mouth shut.
Joan: Oh, yeah, cause Mr. Price would have you put away.
Adam: Unchallenged. [He gives her a piece of art] Here.
Joan: Thanks.
Helen and Kevin are at a drive-thru at a fast food restaurant.
Barbie: [handing Kevin the food] Two double doubles, one is animal style. Animal style, thats the way I like it too.
Kevin: I don't even know what it means, I just like the way it sounds.
Barbie: Two fries, one double size, one regular. Thats six eighty-eight. Im giving you a 10 percent discount because you're cute.
Kevin: Ah, the cute discount. I bet you get that a lot.
Barbie: Yeah, but I only extend it to the super cute.
Helen: Hello. Sitting right here. I'm his mother.
Barbie: Hi, come back soon, ask for Barbie.
Kevin: Well. If you're Barbie, I'll do that.
Barbie: You're funny.
Kevin: I'm starting to like the vehicle.
Joan is walking around the park, a mime is following her.
Joan: This is why people hate mimes.
Mime (God): People don't really hate mimes. They just say that they do. It's the opposite of opera.
Joan: Isn't there a law that says you can't talk to people?
Mime (God): Hey, Joan, I remain silent. I get criticize for that too. Right?
Joan: God, I'm not getting it. I joined AP Chem, so what? I have to do what you want. Obviously you're God. I just don't get it.
Mime (God): AP Chem brings Adam Rove into your home, where he tells your mother about a car in the impound. Now your brother has a car. Get it?
Joan: I--I got Kevin his car?
Mime (God): [making arm movements] Me, working through you, working through Adam, working through your mother, working through your...
Joan: Can you stop all this? It's very distracting. Thanks.
Mime (God): What Kevin does with that car depends upon his own free will, which is another reality strand. Back on this strand your father meets Adam, which compels him to exchange pleasantries with Adam's father, who passes on his inflated impressions of your father to his counterpart at the fire department, who happens to be the brother-in-law of an arson investigator, who risks his job to pass information to your father so that he can arrest an arsonist.
Joan: Wait, wait, wait, wait, I caught an arsonist?
Mime (God): That's just on the Adam Rove reality strand.
Joan: How far does this go?
Mime (God): All the way, baby.
Joan: Always for the better?
Mime (God): Better is how it works with me. An infinite good in an infinite universe. Trust in me, Joan. That's all I ask.
Lt. Daghlian and Will are in Will's office.
Jeanne: [escorting in Chief Wyatt] Fire Chief Wyatt.
Chief Wyatt: Hey Will.
Will: Tom.
Chief Wyatt: So, what's up? Where's the fire?
Will: I appreciate you coming in. It's um...better this way.
Chief Wyatt: What's better?
Will: You're going to need a lawyer. Detective Daghlian has some questions to ask you regarding the homicide of John Brawly.
Chief Wyatt: Who the Hell is John Brawly?
Will: The man who died in the fire you set.
The D.A. comes into the office, followed by Jeanne.
Jeanne: Chief Girardi.
Will: It's alright Jeanne. Oh, word gets around fast.
Chief Wyatt: Thank God you're here.
D.A Fellows: You just might want to shut the hell up Tom and stay that way.
Lt. Daghlian: Would you come with me, Chief Wyatt? Chief Girardi has ordered me to place you under arrest if you refuse. [Chief Wyatt follows him out of the office]
D.A Fellowes: What have you got?
Will: It's all in the warrant package.
D.A Fellowes: Sum it up for me.
Will: Well, we can tie him to the device and the accelerant. We can place him at the scene, and we have a motive.
D.A Fellowes: What motive?
Will: Financial gain. Badger Hill Developments. He's a shareholder. And I believe, so are you.
D.A Fellowes: Are you suggesting I had anything to do...
Will: Badger Hill has been after this piece of land for four years. What are you going to put there? A mall, office building?
D.A Fellowes: Back down chief. I'm a public servant. If I, or any other public servant, own shares in Badger Hill, it's through a blind trust.
Will: Sure, it's all at arms length.
D.A Fellowes: You say you have Wyatt on physical evidence?
Will: Yes.
D.A Fellowes: Then there is no need to include Badger hill in the official evidence package.
Will: Except that it is evidence.
D.A Fellows: It's irrelevant. Get the conviction without it. Its un-necessarily inflammatory.
Will: My people provide your people with evidence. How you use it is up to you.
D.A Fellows: I can't suppress anything in the official police report. How would it look?
Will: How things looks is not my concern.
D.A Fellows: Well you've been misinformed. Your job is as political as mine or the mayor's.
Will: Well, I don't see it that way.
D.A Fellows: Have you considered why you were hired as police chief, Girardi? You, an outsider. One who's never held a top position? It's because you have a reputation as a pragmatic man who understands the importance of playing ball.
Will: Apparently, we were both misinformed.
At home, Joan places Adam's art piece on the kitchen table.
Luke: He makes stuff out of stuff people throw away?
Joan: Yeah, and get this. He's not a stoner.
Helen and Luke: [simultaneously] Get outta here!
Joan: Honest to God. Just don't tell Mr. Price.
Helen: Why would he want Mr. Price to think he's a drug abuser?
Joan: Mom! Can this be on of those things we just agree on without having to go deeply into it?
Kevin rolls quickly into the room.
Kevin: Uh, mom, I'm eating out. [to Luke] You wanna come, geek?
Luke: Uh, yeah, that'd be um. [to Helen] Can I?
Helen: Fine.
Kevin: Okay, see ya later.
Luke: Seeya Dad.
Will: [walking in] Where are they going?
Helen: Out to eat. Together. In Kevin's new car that I got from impound.
Will: Huh. [to Joan] Hey sweetie pie. [sees Adam's art] What the hell is that?
Joan: It's beautiful, okay?
Helen: If you're not too angry about Kevin's car, do you think we could invite the Wyatts over on the weekend? I really like them. What?
Will: There's something I have to tell you. I know they're really the first couple we've really clicked with.
Helen: What?
Will: I arrested Tommy this afternoon.
Joan: You arrested the fire chief?
Helen: For what?
Will: Arson. [they both burst out laughing]
Joan: What's funny? Why is that funny?
Kevin and Luke are at the drive-thru window at the fast food restaurant again.
Luke: You know why their fries are so crisp? They use this kind of oil that boils a higher temperature then most---
Barbie: You again.
Kevin: I cant resist your tasty treats.
Barbie: Be cheaper if you just asked me out.
Luke: Woah!
Kevin: I don't know, you don't strike me as a cheep date.
Barbie: You like movies? Or music? We could go to a concert some time?
Kevin: [pauses for a moment, realizing he doesn't want her to see him in his wheelchair] Uh...I'm not really available.
Barbie: Oh....I'll go get your order.
Luke: Why didn't you just tell her? I mean, she likes you. She probably wouldn't even care.
Kevin: You gotta shut up now okay? Well just wait for the food, and when she gives it to us well leave. That's what's gonna happen. Understand?
Music starts playing as they're waiting in the car.
The End.
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