The three Girardi children at the grocery store doing the shopping. Kevin is pushing the cart, Joan is pushing him.
Kevin: Item next: Garlic mashed home-style potatoes, family size.
Joan: Those potatoes are from a box?
Kevin: Yep.
Kevin: And apparently, there's a bomb that can blow up the entire world.
Luke: Ok, marinated artichoke hearts. Check.
Joan: Those are from a can?!
Kevin: Did you think mom was running a kibbutz?
Joan: Whoa, look. A picture of a whole artichoke. It's freaky-looking, huh?
Kevin: Ok, let's hit the jars of spaghetti sauce.
Joan: No. No.
Kevin: You went for it.
Luke: Come on, let's speed this up. I have to call Glynis.
Kevin: Ok. Haemorrhoid cream, economy size.
Joan: (They do a rock/scissors/paper game to decide) That's you. See ya, buddy. (to Luke)
A woman about Kevin’s age as been eyeing him from the produce section.
Beth: Kevin?
Kevin: Beth.
Beth: I thought that was you. And look, it's you.
Kevin: And not that other guy you dated who ended up in a wheelchair?
Beth: Hey, Joan. Luke.
Luke: Hi.
Joan: Hey.
Beth: Wow. Everyone looks the same.
Kevin: Only shorter.
Beth: Well, I guess Staten high wasn't that long ago.
Kevin: I still remember the fight song.
Beth: (Chuckles) So how's everything?
Kevin: (Sighs) Great. And you?
Beth: I'm at Fordham college in Fordham. You know, nearby. I have a part-time job here in arcadia, 2 days a week going-- well, paying for school. I got injured, so the dance Scholarship I had-- not like injured. You know, I just screwed up my knee. I'm babbling.
Joan: You do it very well.
Beth: Thanks. So I'm studying business now, which doesn't require a pirouette.
Kevin: Yeah, I guess a lot of stuff ends in high school.
Beth: Um... I gotta get going. It was good to see you guys. Um, say hi to your folks.
Luke: That was weird.
Joan: Yep.
Kevin: No, it was great. Just like old times. All right, where were we?
Luke: Haemorrhoid cream.
Kevin: (they start the game again)[Clears throat] Hell, I'll get it. I got no pride left.
He wheels off and the camera zooms on Joan and Luke, who sighs loudly.
Main Titles
When we return, we are with Helen, who is sitting in the Kitchen looking thoughtfully at a painting. Will Comes downstairs...
Will: Good Morning
Helen: Coffee’s made.
Will: I wondered what happened to you.
Helen: I couldn't sleep. Been up all night.
Will: You should have woke me up. I would have massaged you to a blissful stupor. (He looks at her painting) Is this new?
Helen: Yeah. I just wanted to see how it looked in here. I love the morning light through that window.
Will: All night you've been painting? You're gonna be dead.
Helen: It just poured out of me. It's like I was plugged into some universal palette. So, what do you think?
Will: It's nice.
Helen: (getting frustrated) Forget it.
Will: No, I love it. (she glares at him like its “too Little Too Late”) What? It's great.
Luke comes in from upstairs
Luke: Whoa. There's a painting on the counter.
Helen: So what do you think about it?
Luke: Uh...well, you know, I'm not really conversant in the technical jargon of fine arts, but from a right-brain, intuitive perspective, I'd say aesthetically it's very appealing.
Helen: Thank you. I think.
Kevin and Joan also come in from upstairs
Joan: (in the other room) why not?
Kevin: (in the other room) I said no.
Joan: (In the other room) what’s the big deal?
Kevin: (coming into the Kitchen) What part of "please stop talking about it or I'll kick your ass" don't you understand?
Joan: Free speech, newspaper boy.
Will: How can you gear up so fast in the morning?
Joan: Kevin doesn't want me to tell you that we ran into Beth Reinhard yesterday.
Kevin: Thanks.
Helen: Beth? That's great. What is she doing here?
Kevin: Can we not talk about this?
Joan: Why are boys so mind-numbingly numb-minded about girls?
Kevin: (Looking at Helen’s painting) Wow. Mom, that's cool. I mean, it's truly terrific.
Helen: Thank you.
Joan: That does kind of rock, mom.
Helen: It's nice to have kids who appreciate my work. Your dad's more of a dogs playing poker kind of guy.
Will: Oh, come on. What do you want? I said I loved it.
Helen: Fine. (Sighs)
Will: I gotta go. I'll... call you later.
Later, on the way to school, Luke is walking with Joan, yapping her ear off about science.
Luke: So I got a little wrapped up in Embrane theory last night, and I forgot to call Glynis until really late. And when I finally did call, I get the wall of silence, monosyllables, sniffling even. What is that about?
Joan: Is this a math problem?
Luke: (Sighs) Come on, do you and Adam ever fight about--
Joan: don't even go there.
Luke: It's relationships, man. It's like you can never just relax.
Joan: Ok, discussing this with you is worse than what comes out of the bathroom drain.
A man making balloon animals comes over and hands Luke a “something”.
Luke: What's this?
Man: That's your psyche.
Luke: Really? Cool.
Joan: (He hands Joan a Pink something) What's this, my psyche?
Man: It's a giraffe.
Luke: I'm gonna give this to Glynis.
Joan: (After Luke Leaves) You're talking to my brother?
God: I talk to everyone, Joan. Some people listen.
Joan: You're not very good at this, are you?
God: Good is relative. Beauty is relative. Everything's relative. Except for me. I'm absolute.
Joan: I thought that was vodka.
God: I want you to take a make-up class.
Joan: Make up what? I haven't missed anything. Lately. (She grabs one of the balloon animals) Will you stop with the latex! Make up what? Which class?
God: You'll know.
He tips his hat to her and leaves her standing there holding the balloons and feeling very confused. We go over to Will with another of his partners in a drug store.
Carlisle: It'll only take a minute. This is the only place that has Charleston chews.
Will: Take your time. I’ll get to catch up on my reading. Wow! Bigfoot had a kid. We'll have to send a card.
A few feet from Will, at the counter, A Teen-Age Girl is having an argument with the Pharmacist. It is not loud, just loud enough for Will to over hear.
Teen-Age Girl: (Russian accent) My father lost his medicine. He needs his medicine.
Pharmacist: Sorry. You have to do better than that.
Girl: I have prescription!
Pharmacist: Which I filled twice last week. Forget it. I'm not losing my license. Now get lost, or I'll call the cops. (She stares at him) I mean it.
Will: What's her story?
Pharmacist: These girls, kids from Russia or someplace, they come in here every day trying to scam me.
Will: Phoney scripts?
Pharmacist: The prescriptions are legit, but they're trying to get more than the doctor prescribed. Misoprostol, it's an ulcer med.
Will: You can get high on ulcer medication? No wonder my grandfather was always smiling.
Pharmacist: It can induce miscarriage. It's an off-label use. Without a doctor's supervision, it's pretty risky.
Will: Do-it-yourself abortion. And it's more than just her? (the Pharmacist nods in agreement and Will’s Partner shows up)
Carlisle: It is the combo of the Marshmallowy goodness and the chocolate-- (He sees Will staring out the window at the girl getting into a car with an older man) we got trouble?
Will: Why should today be any different?
They go out to their car, and we go to the AP Chem. Class. In the background, its hard to hear, but Luke is trying to explain to a very upset Glynis why he didn’t’ call “its not you, or Embrane”, then we pan over to Adam, Joan and Grace.
Adam: (Looking at one of Joan’s animals) I'm not seeing the giraffe.
Joan: (Sighs) Never mind. 2-for-1 Smoothies at the mall tonight. Who's in?
Friedman: I'm in.
Joan: You're so not.
Adam: I don't do the mall.
Grace: I've got Hebrew class.
Joan: The bat mitzvah thing? Isn't that over?
Grace: You'll know when it's over. There'll be a big, embarrassing party with a rubber chicken and old Jews dancing to Donna Summer.
Joan: You're really not gonna go with me?
Adam: The mall gives me a rash, Jane. The aesthetic is rude.
Ms. Lischak: (walking around the class handing out pink pieces of paper) Listen up, my noble warriors, one week seminar, starting today, counts for 2 whole points on your final exam if you decide to partake. (very short pause) I advise you to partake.
Grace: The ancient ritual of cosmetology.
Joan: What, like the zodiac? How's that science?
Ms. Lischak: Cosmetology. Face painting. Takes us all the way back to the Egyptians. What's more, it's the marriage of compounds to create colour and texture. It's chemistry, people.
Joan: I don't get it.
Adam: It's makeup.
Joan: You mean, like a make-up class?
Ms. Lischak: Let me see a show of hands! (Glynis and Friedman raise their hands)
Joan: (puts her head on her desk and slowly raises her hand.) Ohh. (Whimpers)
Commercial break and we continue with Joan, Friedman and Glynis in the make-up class. Ms. Candy is a perfectly primped teacher with a pink blouse, who is walking the classroom. It is set up with mirrors on the desks and she is instructing them.
Ms. Candy: … The Mayans all believed that to paint one's face was an expression of power, of nobility, of health, even spirituality.
Joan: (Pokes herself in the eye with her eyelash curlers) Ow! (She blinks a few times with her eye rolled back in her head) Oh, I'm blind. I'm blind. No, I'm ok.
Ms. Candy: Makeup was used by men and women alike. (We see Friedman filling his hands with a ball of hair mousee the size of a tennis ball and then smearing it all over his hair) If anything, the men were more adorned. It's only in recent times that we've attached shame to the idea of men coiffing and preening.
Friedman: Straight up.
Joan: (pokes her eyes with the eyeliner) Ow! This is like torture.
Ms. Candy: May I suggest you rest your pinkie on your cheek to get a straight line? (Joan tries it, making the face that all woman think will help them in this .. The mouth as wide open as it will get face.. You know the one I mean) There's no need to apologize for the pursuit of beauty. Ancient civilizations understood this.
Joan: So it's important to look your best while being a human sacrifice?
Ms. Candy: Moving on to layering. Palette is everything. Colours should be celebrated. And layered and blended, of course.
Friedman: (His hair is 6 times bigger than normal, which is almost not possible to picture until you see it) How do I look?
Joan: Like Erykah Badu. What-- Friedman, what are you even doing here?
Friedman: I'm here to converse with chicks about Prada.
Glynis: I don't want to look too brazen. You'd tell me if I was crossing over into Aguileraland?
Friedman: Whoa. Caliente.
Joan: Are you hitting on my brother's girlfriend?
Friedman: No. I'm just notating scientific data.
Joan: While hitting on my brother's girlfriend.
Friedman: A little bit. It's high school.
Friedman Turns to the girl sitting on his other side and starts to decide if he should hit on her too. Back to Will and Carlisle who are discussing the possible case. They had followed the girl and the man back to a house and are now sitting outside, waiting.
Carlisle: Maybe that was her grandfather.
Will: Somehow I'm not getting the family reunion vibe. [Gun cocks] I'm going in.
Carlisle: Will--
Will: I have probable cause out the wazoo.
Carlisle: I'll call for backup.
Will: By the time they get here, it'll be over.
Carlisle: We don't know what else is inside. Dispatch, this is unit 52 requesting 2 units for backup at 928 spruce lane.
Will looks out the window and sees an older gentleman and the young girl walking into the house. The man pats the girls bottom and Will grits his teeth.
Will: I have a daughter that age. Sorry.
Carlisle: Child endangerment in progress. We're at the location in plain clothes.
Over the speaker: Rodger, stand by.
They get out of the car and we see in the rear view mirror Will and Carlisle going up to the house. They ring the door bell and a man answers.
Man: Yes?
Will: Detective Will Girardi, sheriff's department.
Woman: (shouting from the other room) Polizia! (I guess that means police in Russian)
Will and Carlisle bust into the room. There are several woman sitting in their underwear on the couch and the man who opened the door is on the ground.
Carlisle: (yelling at the man) You, show me your hands! Show me your hands! You, back up! Show me your hands! (to one of the woman) You, down! Down on the floor! All right, keep your hands where I can see them.
Will goes down the hall and several doors open .. Woman run out and then run back in. In the distance of the first room you can hear the man yelling at Carlisle
Man: We want our lawyer! This is illegal! No warrant! Where is your warrant?
Carlisle: You're looking at it, pal.
Will kicks in the farthest door and sees a young girl lying on the bed holding a sheet to cover her. An older man stands over her. Will has his gun drawn. He lowers it when he hears the police cars.
Next, to the Girardi Garage. Helen is walking in with, who I believe is, the art dealer from one of the previous episodes.
Helen: I don't know why I asked you over. I could have stopped by your gallery.
Dealer: Don't worry about it. I love to see where an artist works.
Helen: Don't look at that stuff.
Dealer: What? It's nice.
Helen: Oh, exactly. Look, not that it's genius or anything, but that's what I wanted you to look at. (she motions to her newest piece of art) It's kind of a new direction, so I just wanted to get somebody else's take on it 'cause it came out so fast.
Dealer: I can see that.
Helen: I should take more time with it.
Dealer: No. Don't touch it. You're right. It's a new direction for you. It's free. It's uncalculated. It's beautiful, Helen.
Helen: I was afraid it was easy.
Dealer: No, it's fresh. I love this orange.
Helen: Isn't that amazing? [Laughs] I was just mixing, and that happened.
Dealer: You're not afraid of the paint. I'm very impressed.
Helen: Thank you. Oh. (Chuckles)
Dealer: I hope I don't sound too mercenary, but do you think you could pull this into a series? I know I could sell them.
Helen: Sure.
Dealer: 3 or 4 would be great. Keep them this size.
Helen: Ok.
She covers her face to hide the grin that has grown since he told her it was beautiful. Back to High School now. A new Glynis (no glasses) and Joan walk out of the Make-up class. Everyone is looking at them. Glynis blushes and Joan flips her hair. A cute boy (taller then Glynis) stops her to talk and we see Luke standing in the door way of a class. He sees them talking and looks upset. He walks away and Joan leaves Glynis to go and talk to Adam. He is standing at his locker and Joan comes over to say Hi. She is all dolled up in her makeup and hairspray and you can tell that she wants to impress him.
Joan: Hey
Adam: Hey. I thought you'd already left.
Joan: (with a fake notice-me smile) No. I'm here. (she flutters her eyelashes and tosses her hair)
Adam: (doesn’t notice) Oh! Oh! They're showing night of the hunter at the rialto classic film noir with Robert Mitchum. Wanna go?
Joan: (Sighs) I don't know. Is it in black and white?
Adam: Uh, yeah, yeah. (he finally looks up and Joan does the hair flip thing again) It's noir.
Joan: I don't know. I have a lot of homework. (she presses her lips together so he can see her ruby red lipstick)
Adam: Are you mad at me 'cause I wouldn't go to the mall?
Joan: No. (She smiles at him)
Adam: What?
Joan: (Very frustrated now) Notice anything?
Adam: (looks over and shrugs) Uh...yeah. Jane.
Joan: Ok, just wondering. Enjoy your noir. (she walks off and sighs)
Back to the garage. Helen is trying to recreate her latest work into the series that the Dealer had requested. She is deep in thought.
Helen: (Sighs)
Beth: Hello?
Helen: (She smudges her painting) Joan! Ooh, don't sneak!
Beth: It's not Joan.
Helen: Beth.
Beth: I tried the doorbell. Then I just came around back. Um...
Helen: Kevin's not here.
Beth: I came to see you.
Back to high school. Joan and Glynis are in the girls room fixing their make up.
Glynis: It's a miracle. I got whistled at. That never happens. Unless, you know, someone's making a dog joke.
Joan: Hey. Luke is all about you.
Glynis: I know. But how can I compete with his true love? I mean, he refers to Embrane theory as stunningly elegant.
Joan: He doesn't compliment you?
Glynis: Once he told me my dermis was pleasantly exothermic.
Joan: Eww.
Glynis: Jeff Fletcher just asked me to come see his band play this weekend. Isn't that crazy?
Joan: Manic toolhead? Nicely done.
Glnyis: I don't want to hurt Luke, but sometimes I'm afraid he only loves me for my mind. What about Adam?
Joan: What about him?
Glynis: Does he give you compliments? Does he make you feel cherished? Is there genuine lust?
Joan: Yeah, all the time.
Glynis: Wow.
Joan: Yeah, you know, there's the love talk and the poetry and the gushing. He's an artist, you know.
Glynis: I think I'm gonna go walk down the hall again without my glasses. Wish me luck... and balance.
A cheerleader with red curly hair and a baton comes in as Glynis is leaving. Joan goes back to the mirror.
Cheerleader: Too much eyeliner.
Joan: You think so?
God: No, you think so.
Joan: I don't know if I look good or like a circus freak.
God: Perspective is everything.
Joan: Yeah, I know, I know, I know. Shadowing makes the cheekbones pop. Why are you having me do this? The class makes everyone crazy.
God: The way the world sees you can change the way you see yourself.
Joan: Glynis has certainly become a different person.
God: It appears that way, doesn't it?
Joan: I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. Adam hasn't noticed anything different about me.
God: Sometimes you have to see what you're not in order to see what you are.
Joan: What is this, a Sheryl crow song?
The girl gives her a look, twirls her baton and leaves. We go to Helen and Beth. Beth is sitting at the kitchen table and Helen is making tea.
Beth: I am dating someone at college, a few months now. His name's Todd, and he's an English major. But other than that, he's really great. [Laughs]
Helen: Hey, you like milk, right?
Beth: Yes.
Helen: Ok. It seems so normal to have you in my kitchen.
Beth: It feels normal being here.
Helen: I can still see the two of you doing your homework at this table.
Beth: Kevin thinks that we broke up because he got hurt.
Helen: Well, it is difficult for any relationship to endure that kind of stress. You were kids. You still are.
Beth: But it wasn't like that.
Helen: This is really between you and Kevin.
Beth: But I had a relationship with your whole family. I just-- I can't stand you guys having that kind of opinion of me.
Helen: Beth, I know that you need some kind of closure on all this, but it can't be with me.
Kevin comes into the kitchen.
Kevin: (Door opens) Back from the mines!
Helen: Kevin, look who dropped by.
Kevin: (to Beth) Get out.
Helen: Hey.
Kevin: I don't want her in here. On second thought, since you're here, why don't you come watch me ride the little motor chair up the stairs? (Beth stairs at him in disbelieve) And then for big laughs, I can adjust my catheter! (She tries to leave but Kevin stops her. He wants to yell at her some more)
Helen: Hey!
Beth: Kevin, whatever you think that I have done to you, you've more than made up for it now.
Kevin: Good! (Door slams)
Helen: Proud of yourself?
Kevin: Yeah. I held back.
The next day at the make-up class, Ms. Candy is walking the class talking.
Joan looks at Glynis (who is putting on her make-up) and smiles, then glances across to Friedman who is putting on eye shadow and make-up as well. Joan looks confused.
Ms. Candy: By feathering the foundation, you achieve a natural, flawless finish.
Joan: Ms. Candy, can you take a look at my lip liner? I can't get it to go straight.
Ms. Candy: Oh, you've corrected your own lip line.
Joan: Wait a minute. What-- what's wrong with my own lip line?
Ms. Candy: Well, everyone has flaws and asymmetries. The point of cosmetics is to redirect the eye to our best features.
Joan: (Trying to make her lip line straighter) Mm-hmm. What if I don't have any best features?
Goth God: (He is sitting across the desk, behind her mirror, applying his own lip stick) Everyone has a best feature, Joan. I saw to that.
Joan: No offence, but you've broken, like, every single rule she taught us.
God: The thing to remember is, adornment isn't who you are.
Joan: If you're so worried about me getting caught up in adornment, maybe you shouldn't have sent me to this stupid makeup class.
God: I sent you here to learn, to observe the effects of appearance.
Joan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, changing the way the world sees me. But the world, I.E. Adam, still doesn't see Zippo.
God: Look in the mirror, Joan, and what do you see?
Joan: Some ridiculous, vain girl who can't stop thinking about shading and concealing. This is just not who I am.
God: Exactly.
Joan: So I'm just supposed to reject all this stuff, that's the point?
Goth God gets up and leaves. Miss Candy looks put out.
Ms. Candy: (she missed the conversation with god - lucky for God and Joan) Ok... how about filling in with some lip colour?
Joan: Actually, no.
Ms. Candy: Then perhaps a clear gloss?
Joan: Ms. Candy, I'm done glossing and powdering and primping. Because all that stuff just isn't who I am. (she gets up and leaves the class.. But before she goes, she stands in the door way to speak to the class) Don't get caught up in the surface. There is a deeper truth.
Friedman: Dude, it's called extra credit.
Joan: Your lip liner's crooked.
Friedman looks at himself in the mirror, pouting.
Miss Candy: Joan? Joan, you didn’t powder!
Later that evening at the Girardi house, Helen is in the Kitchen when Will comes in.
Will: Hey, honey.
Helen: Hey, Will. You are not gonna believe what happened.
Will: (cuts her off) Did you hear the news?
Helen: What news?
Will: Come on, you missed my headline bust? "Detective breaks underage prostitution ring using his Spidey Sense."
Helen: Oh. You--you busted a prostitution ring?
Will: Yeah, well, it was a fluke. I followed this kid home and stumbled onto it. 7 girls, none over the age of 17. And... channel 5 wants to interview me tomorrow. Your man is a hero!
Helen: Why don't I fix you a plate? You must be starving. (She is frustrated because his action packed say trumped her selling the painting. Will notices this)
Will: What, tough day?
Helen: It's nothing.
Will: Hey.
Helen: It's nothing.
Will: I have Spidey sense, remember?
Helen: It's just this morning when I showed you my painting, I guess I was a little disappointed that you didn't seem to really see it.
Will: I did. I looked. I said I liked it. Didn't I?
Helen: Yeah, like you would tell a child his drawing is nice. This is my work, Will. That painting is a part of me, and you just dismissed it. I mean, what does that say about our relationship?
Will: Our relationship? How did we make that leap from a painting?
Helen: It's not just a painting! (Sighs) I had Ken Thompson from the Franklin gallery look at it, and he thought it was a big breakthrough for me. He wants me to do a series. He thinks he can sell them.
Will: That's terrific.
Helen: Yeah. I had to go to a stranger to get what I wanted to get from you.
Will: I'm sorry. Helen, I'm an idiot about art. You know, there's stuff about my job that you don't get.
Helen: What's not to get about busting up a prostitution ring? It's noble. It's newsworthy. Oh, my man's a hero. What can you say about my work after that?
Will: Well, what do you want? I mean--
Helen: I don't want to have to tell you when I need support. I want-- (she senses a huge argument looming and decides to just drop it before anyone gets their feelings more hurt then they already are) just forget it. You know what? I'm just tired. Hey, congratulations on the big bust.
She runs out of the room and up the stairs, leaving Will looking hurt and confused.
Later, Joan is in her room, throwing things out of her draw into a huge pile in the middle of the room. Kevin comes in to talk to her, while they are talking Joan is still gathering clothes and make-up from her room and putting it in bags.
Kevin: What happened?
Joan: (Sighs) It's spring. I'm cleaning. That's what people do, right? What, mom send you up here to make sure I'm not nuts?
Kevin: No. I don't think there's any doubt about that. *pauses* It's just this whole Beth thing... why the hell is she all over me? Did she say anything to you?
Joan: Why would she be talking to me? (Joan dumps a whole drawer of make-up into a brown paper bag.)
Kevin: She's snooping around, talking to mom. I thought maybe she cornered you, too.
Joan: She probably just wants to be your friend. Pretty cool of her, considering.
Kevin: Considering what? She never came to see me after the accident, and now she's feeling guilty?
Joan: She was in the hospital every day to see how you were doing. She wasn't allowed in the I.C.U. When she knew you were ok, she kind of took off. You didn't know that?
Kevin: No. But, uh, thanks. Um... I have to, uh... (Kevin leaves)
Helen is in the garage painting. Joan walks in to dump some of her things in the trash. She looks a mess with her hair all out of order and her clothes all in shambles.
Helen: hey, what are you doing?
Joan: Purging.
Kevin: Everything you own?
Joan: Yes!
Helen: That your father and I paid for?
Joan: How 'bout you?
Helen: Agonizing. (Exhales)
Joan: I can see that.
Helen: Especially with that staring at me. (She points to her painting. Joan tries to cover it up with a cloth) Hey, don't touch that!
Joan: What? You said it was staring at you. I was just trying to help.
Helen: It's bad enough that you interrupt me.
Joan: HEY, I was taking out the garbage.
Helen: Don't touch my painting!
Joan: Ok! Chill!
Helen: Don't tell me to chill! Oh, god. I'm sorry. (she calms down a little) I have to recreate that... and I don't know what I'm doing.
Joan: Well-- well, what were you thinking about when you painted this one?
Helen: That was different. It was a burst!
Joan: From you. So burst again. What's the problem?
Helen: I don't know. (She catches the scent of Joan) Is that you?
Joan: Yes.
Helen: You stink.
Joan: Thank you.
Helen: Why do you stink?
Joan: Because I am not vain. Caring about your appearance is a soulless expression of vanity.
Helen: If you've been smoking marijuana, honey, you need to tell me.
Joan: No, no, no. Mom... Mom... I am freeing myself from the media's ideals of feminine beauty.
Helen: And you're doing this by stinkin' and lookin' like hell.
Joan: I'm sorry I interrupted.
Helen: Sorry I yelled at you. Get your clothes out of the garbage and go take a shower.
Joan: I like me... just the way I am. Focus on your bursting.
Joan leaves and Helen sits down again, after a moment she covers up the painting herself. we have a commercial break. When we return, Kevin is sitting in a café and waiting for someone to show up. Then Beth walks in the door.
Beth: I was surprised to hear from you.
Kevin: I'm surprised you came after the way I've been.
Beth: Me, too.
Kevin: Joan told me something that I didn't... remember... and I wanted to find out from you what really happened. You wanna sit?
Beth: Well, I'm not sure. What-- what do you wanna know?
Kevin: She said you did come to visit me in the hospital. Why didn't you stay when I came to? The days around the accident, they're just gone. I thought since I never saw you again that you couldn't handle what happened to me.
Beth: (sits down) Kevin, you dumped me.
Kevin: But I was crazy about you.
Beth: Well, yeah, me and, uh, Jeannie Heron.
Kevin: Je--what happened? What did I do to you?
Beth: (Sighs) It was after the game at Toby's house. Everyone was drinking, and... I told you that I knew you and Jeannie had been hooking up. You didn't like being called out in front of your friends, so you dumped me.
Kevin: You busted me, and then I... broke up with you.
Beth: Yeah. Classic, right? Blame the victim.
Kevin: Why didn't you... call me on it?
Beth: You had just gotten your scholarship from Arizona... and you were so full of yourself that you didn't wanna feel guilty about cheating on me, so... you took off.
Kevin: In Andy's car. I, uh... didn't know.
Beth: It's ok.
Kevin: No, it's, uh-- it's--it's not.
The next day at school, Grace and Joan are sitting down on the stairs.
Joan: Ohh, it felt so good throwing down against the oppression of the eyebrow pencil, like a true revolutionary.
Grace: Without the bloodshed, social upheaval, or C.I.A. Involvement. So, Rove like the new look?
Joan: He hasn't said anything, yet, but--but I'm sure he will.
Grace: Past is prologue, dude. He didn't notice before.
Joan: Look, we're both about more than just superficial appearances. Like you.
Grace: Hey, I look good!
Glynis: (Grace and Joan walk past Glynis, Luke and Friedman. Glynis is still all made up and without her glasses) What a glorious day today.
Joan: Can you even see it?
Glynis: I saw the blue of the sky, and I felt the warmth of the sun, and when I get my contacts, um--
Joan: Glynis... you look great in your glasses. You don't have to be a slave to society's fake, sexually exploitive view of external beauty. Power to the pimple. (Joan and Grace leave)
Glynis: (Mouths words) Um, do--do I have a blemish?
Luke: Well, not that I can observe. No. Of course... I mean, all the makeup obfuscates most of the natural texture of the skin.
Glynis: So, you're saying I'm fake?
Luke: No... you're just different than you were.
Glynis: That didn't sound very supportive.
Friedman: I'm gonna be walkin' over there. You kids take your time.
Luke: We should have this conversation later.
Glynis: I've been the gawky one my whole life. No one's head ever turned when I walked by. Is it so wrong to enjoy that now?
You can see Friedman in the background waiting.
Luke: No. It's just... our connection... was based on immutable certainties. You know, uh... a shared intellectual buffet, if you will, and one of the constants in that equation... has changed and--
Glynis: are---are you breaking up with me?
Luke: I want you to be happy... and I think maybe I need to get out of your way. You should go and see manic toolhead with those guys.
Glynis: Ok.
Glynis leaves and Friedman walks over.
Friedman: Did you reject, dude?
Luke: What?
Friedman: The pre-emptive dump. Protect your own skin 'cause you knew it was just a matter of time--
Luke: it was just too much coming at me, all the time.
Friedman: Don't worry. I'll give her the shoulder she needs.
To Will who is being interviewed about the case...
Will: The girls were sent over here from eastern Europe and held captive for 6 months. None of the neighbours bothered to ask why strangers were coming and going from the house or why these children never went to school or played with any other kids.
Reporter: How could that happen?
Will: Human nature. No one wants to believe something that ugly can happen in their own backyard.
Reporter: But you recognized it.
Will: Well, it's kind of my job. I've been a cop for over 20 years.
Reporter: You were on a psych leave recently after being kidnapped. Is that correct?
Will: You know, that's something I'd rather not discuss.
Reporter: I'm just saying, that must make this so much sweeter, that you've had such an impressive comeback.
Roebuck: Detective Girardi never left us. He was on a temporary reassignment. We were never without him.
Will: That's correct. It actually was just a bureaucratic thing. You know what the guys upstairs are like. Obviously I'm pretty capable of being a police officer.
Reporter: I would say so. They're probably kicking themselves for taking you off the street at all.
Will: I hope so.
Reporter: Well, lucky for us you're back, and lucky for those poor girls.
Will: Just doin' my job.
Reporter: Ok. That's a wrap. Great stuff.
Will: Thanks. So, is it true? Camera adds 20 pounds?
Roebuck: Yeah. To your head.
Roebuck and Will leave the room and walk through the station.
Will: What's that supposed to mean?
Roebuck: You know, we go to the mat for you when you were in trouble, and you talk trash about us?
Will: That's not what I meant.
Roebuck: If I hadn't been one of those bureaucratic fools, you wouldn't be standing here right now.
Will: Look-- look, I'm sorry. I, um-- I got a little lost in the lights. I'm sorry.
Roebuck shuts his door on Will.
Up on the roof of the school, Adam is there when Joan comes to say Hi. It is almost the same situation as before, only this time instead of looking pretty, she looks very ragged. She has not showered or brushed her hair. Her clothes are a mess and she has no make up.
Joan: Hey.
Adam: Hey. Hey, have you ever seen touch of evil? It's playing at the rialto tonight--
Joan: in black and white?
Adam: Yeah. It's Orson Welles. 1958
Joan: I want colour.
Adam: But the way he shot-- I mean, black and white, you know, it gives the images this rich texture and--
Joan: (A little frustrated with him because he doesn’t seem to notice her make up from before or the lack of it now) Adam, it's the 21st century, ok? I want colour and THX and stadium seating and cup holders. The rialto smells like a nursing home.
Adam: Yeah... but you have to learn the visual language of film if you wanna--
Joan: how--how can you be so observant when it comes to some movie made during the civil war, but when it comes to me, I could grow a mustache, and you wouldn't notice?
Adam: Did I miss something?
Joan: I've been wearing the same clothes for 2 days! I haven't washed my hair! My--my face is so... unadorned, I could be killed by the Aztecs!
Adam: It's cool with me.
Joan: Um... so the rank, stinky, slob thing, that's a turn-on for you?
Adam: If it's who you are.
Joan: And how about before? In the last couple days, I've been wearing so much makeup and hairspray, I looked like a TV evangelist! Does that work for you, too?
Adam: Appearances are superficial, Jane.
She looks hurt.
Joan: So it's about inner beauty. That's what matters?
Adam: Yeah.
Joan: (She is yelling at him with a mix of yelling and crying) How about going to the mall? That matters to you, and that's all about appearances!
Adam: That's different. That's--
Joan: (More Yelling and Crying) no, it isn't! No! You are so vain!
Adam: (getting defensive) M--right. Look at me.
Joan: Yeah, exactly! You try so hard to look like you don't care, just--(Joan has had a revelation of the mind) just like I was trying to do, but you do! You do care! Ohh, you--you wanna be that arty guy who thinks he's so above the mall. Well, I like the mall, ok?!
Adam: Ok, you like the mall!
Joan: Yeah, you know what else I like, too? I like watching Laverne & Shirley on TV Land! That's right!
Adam: Laverne & Shirley?
Joan: Yeah! Lenny and Squiggy! "Hello?!" I loved it, and I was afraid to tell you that because I thought you would think I was some bubblehead and you wouldn't wanna hang out with me anymore, and you know what? Maybe you don't! I can't stand... us pretending like this. Both of us trying to live up to some image of what we think we should be! Well, if that's what we are... then I don't like us!
She is in a full fledged cry now and she runs out.
Later that night, at the Girardi house. Helen is there talking to Will. Helen is carrying her painting.
Will: Hey. What are you doing?
Helen: Hey. Just a new project. Oh, did I miss your interview?
Will: Oh, it was nothing.
Helen: Ohh... oh, god. I just got caught up. I'm so sorry.
Will: No, no, no. I'm kind of glad you missed it. I was a little full of myself.
Helen has just thrown her new painting against the wall and covered it in lighter fluid.
Will: Hey--hey, that's your painting!
Helen: Yeah. The one that caused all the trouble.
Will: Oh, Helen, I am really sorry.
Helen: No, it's not you. This painting... it became so important. It had this hold over me, like... the whole world was supposed to love this brilliant new Helen. Well, I hated her.
Sets fire to the painting.
Will: Someone was gonna pay you for that.
Helen: (smiles) Yeah. There'll be others. "Out of the ashes the phoenix rises, reborn in boundless grace to fly again."
Will: Don't take this the wrong way, but artists are a little cracked.
Helen: (Chuckles) Least I didn't cut off my ear. (warming by the fire) Mmm. It's so nice and warm. I missed you.
Will: How much were they gonna pay?
Helen laughs and we go to the inside, where Joan is drying her hair. She got sick of the stink and took a shower. There is a knock at the door.
Joan: I'll get it! (She opens the door and Adam is there) Hey. I guess I kind of flipped out.
Adam: Yeah. The mall really does freak me out. You know, it's like all the stores are yelling at me.
Joan: So I guess that makes us both crazy.
Adam: So we got that going for us. Uh, I--I really liked that pink shirt that you were wearing the other day.
Joan looks surprised that he noticed but you can tell she’s pleased.
Joan: I think I threw that out.
Adam: Oh.
Joan: Do you wanna come in?
Adam: Yeah.
Joan: What-- what's in the bag?
Adam: Oh. Yeah.
Joan: (Picking tapes out of the bag and reading the titles) “Dude, where's my car?” “Bill and Ted's excellent adventure“ “Dumb and dumber“ “Tommy boy”? Did you rent these? (Adam shakes his head) They're yours? (She looks happy )
Adam: There's an anarchic absurdity in dude that speaks to teenage alienation.
Joan pulls a face
Adam: It's funny as hell.
Joan: Yeah. (Laughs) Tommy boy's a classic.
Adam: Tell me about it. You know that scene where spade spills the M&Ms on the dashboard? "Yo, there's a protective candy shell!"
Both: "Your brain has a protective candy shell!"
Joan: Yeah, I remember that.
Adam: That guy in the little coat (Laughing) And he rips the coat.
Joan: Oh, that's such a good scene.
Adam: And he wears that... and he gets hit in the head by a 2x4.
Joan: Yeah... (Joan laughs)
The shot pulls out and you see Helen and Will turn as they hear them laughing and smile. Then they turn back and continue warming themselves by the fire.
The end.
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