Joan, Grace, Adam and Iris (yes, they are still together) are walking around a convince story to pick up stuff for their study night.
Joan: Now, who decided I need to care about Paris Hilton?
Grace: Could we focus on the matter at hand? Mini pizzas or mini burritos? (She is walking around with a little shopping backing - it looks out of place)
Adam: A burrito's always mini, 'cause "burrito" means "little donkey."
Iris: That's so cool you know the espaÑol. (She is following Adam around)
Grace: Ok, both. What else do we need?
Joan: Get me some of those high-powered energy drinks. I'm gonna be up all night.
Adam: Wait, the Chem. exam's tomorrow?
Joan: No, it's Wednesday, but not only do I have to master thermodynamics, I also have to finish some book about a guy who turns into a bug for world lit.
Grace: Don't sweat about the Chem. test. I got your brother's lab notebook.
Joan: Luke lent you his lab notebook?
Grace: I still have pull.
Grace: (Her Cell phone rings) What?
Iris: (in another part of the store) I know what we need. Soy jerky. (she leaves)
Joan: (to Adam) Is she gonna be like the Yoko Ono of our study group?
Adam: (Sighs) Don't worry about it. (To the Casher) Hey, uh, could I put up a flyer?
Cashier: Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Over by the door.
Joan: (to Adam) Hey, wait. Let me see one. (She looks at the flyer) Cool. Are you in this?
Adam: It's just a little coffee shop thing. I mean, they basically let anybody put up their stuff.
Joan: Adam, this is your first art show out in the world.
Adam: It's really not a big deal.
Iris: (coming back with the Soy Jerky) Isn't it cool? Your mom started, like, a whole movement. (she and Adam go to put up the flyer)
Cashier: (to Joan) You forgot the milk.
Joan: Oh, no, thanks. I don't need any.
Cashier: You're almost out at home.
Joan: Uh, ok. Either that's you or you're a really pushy cashier.
God: It's up to you.
Joan: Yeah. It's definitely you. Ok. Ring up a half-gallon. (The cashier gives her a look) Fine! A gallon!
Grace: (Yelling In another part of the store) We already went over this! I'm not gonna pretend to care about something that I don't! That's called hypocrisy! (She slams her flip phone shut and tries to strangle it in anger)
Iris: (to Joan) Who is she yelling at?
Graces cell phone starts to ring again and she throws it into the milk cooler of the store. She shuts the door and leans on it.
Joan: Grace? Will you grab me a gallon of 2% while you're in there?
Grace: (opens the door, grabs the milk and slams the door shut again) Anything else? (She looks triumphant here)
Joan: No. That's it. (To the cashier) Right?
He shrugs and Grace brings over the milk. The scene ends and we play out to the opening credits and the first commercial break. We continue the next day. Its morning in the Girardi kitchen. Helen and Will are rushing around. There is a bunch of junk on the table.
Helen: Sorry. I'm way behind. Coffee will be ready in a sec.
Will: I'll get some on the way. I've got an early meeting.
Helen: Again?
Will: Roebuck likes to give out morning assignments. It's very hill street blues.
Kevin: (Coming in) Hey, what's this for, show and tell?
Helen: It's for a class project. Anything you wanna keep, grab it now. Otherwise, it is getting smashed.
Kevin: Cool. Is this like a new teacher intimidation thing?
Helen: It's art.
Will: Can I help with something?
Helen: No, it's ok. I have to get to school early to-- (She tries to open a bag of coffee beans and they go flying everywhere. She just stands there)
Will: (tries to help) I've got it.
Helen: No, you have to go.
Kevin: See ya.
Helen: Hey, hey, what about breakfast?
Kevin: I gotta go in early, 'cause I have...a thing.
Joan: (in from the other room) Mom, where's the shirt I was wearing yesterday?
Helen: Um...
Joan: (looking at the table) hey, my turtle ashtray.
Helen: Oh, I meant to ask you. Do you mind if I use some of this stuff for a class project?
Joan: What do you mean, use?
Will: (on the phone in a corner) I've got a family situation here...
Helen: well, I need stuff that I can sort of break up and use pieces.
Joan: You wanna smash my turtle ashtray?
Helen: Honey, you made a lot of ashtrays, and this one has a broken head.
Joan: You can't smash Archie. (Holds it in close)
Will: All right, I'm making breakfast. Who's up for French Toast?
Helen: We don't have any milk.
Joan: I got some last night. (Helen and Will both look at her with puzzled looks) What?
Will: Oh, nothing. It's just a little surprising, you getting milk.
Joan: It's not like it's a miracle.
Helen: Kind of.
Will: (To Helen) Go. Set up your class. I've got this. Where's Luke? Joan, go check on your brother.
Joan: Eww. What if he's, like, sweaty or naked or something?
Both Helen and Will: Joan.
Joan goes off to check on Luke and Will gives Helen a kiss good-bye as she rushes out the door.
Joan: Luke, are you alive? You didn't turn into a bug or anything, did you? (Pokes her head in his door)
Luke: (Woozily) Can't move... head's too big... full of air... possibly fluid. (He looks very sick. All sweaty and (like Joan said Gross)
Back downstairs.
Joan: Something's wrong with Luke. He's all shivery and gross.
Will: Oh, boy. Does he have a fever?
Joan: I don't know. I'm not touching him. I have to go.
Will: But I'm making French toast.
Joan: Sorry.
Later, in the Arcadia High hall way, Joan is walking with Grace. She is talking with her mouth crammed full of food. We can just make out what she is saying.
Joan: (mumbling) Ok. Somebody has got to explain this bug book to me. I mean, are we really supposed to believe that somebody just... would turn into a roach? [Laughs] Reality check!
Grace: It's called literary symbolism, and didn't anyone ever tell you not to talk with your mouth full? (She sulks off and Joan stops near Adam who is putting up a flyer)
Adam: Something's going on at home. I didn't ask. So, uh, this... art show thing, um, I-- I was wondering maybe if you could help me load in my stuff tonight.
Joan: At your opening? Definitely. (Adam looks surprised) So, um... baby voice is not available?
Adam: I told her not to come. Um... I--I said I'd be too nervous.
Joan: Then, yeah, sure. I'm happy to be your roadie.
Adam: Cool. Um-- uh, come around by 7:00.
Joan: Ok. (The bell rings and she walks on down the hall like she didnt hear it laughing to herself about her being invited to the art show but Iris wasnt)
Goth God: You're not in much of a hurry.
Joan: I have study hall, which you know.
God: Right. Followed by lunch.
Joan: Is there something I can help you with? I got the milk.
God: And you think that's enough?
Joan: (Sighs) Some clarity would help here.
God: Who's taking care of Luke today?
Joan: I don't know, his parents? (Laughs)
God: Right. You ever thought about maybe sharing some of their burden?
Joan: (Turns around to face him) You know, let's not forget the last time you asked me to share (She makes quotes with her fingers) the laundry burden and I ended up on crutches.
God: (Bell rings) Second bell. It's too late to go to study hall. Look at all this free time.
Joan: I have 2 exams coming up. Do you want me to flunk? (He leaves) You know, for someone who's almighty, you're very passive-aggressive.
Glad to see that Joan has learned not to shout things down the hall at God. This last big was actually in a whisper. We go now to Will at work. He is actually out on assignment today. Right now he and Toni are putting hand cuffs on a man in a suit.
Will: What is this, punishment for being tardy? I miss the morning meeting, so we gotta go arrest the naughty computer boy?
Mr. Smith: That's information technology specialist. (To a co-worker) Hey, Beth.
Toni: Mr. Smith, you're under arrest for embezzling half a million dollars. You wanna start taking this seriously?
Will: You won't be so cocky when they put you away for 10 years.
Mr. Smith: That's assuming they can crack my encryption, and judging from you guys, they can't even hook up a TIVO.
Will: I like driving fast and shooting guns.
High school art class. Helen has brought in all the things from the table at home.
Helen: This is a technique called Pique assiette, which literally means "broken plate." And you can see that these are decorated with a mosaic of broken dishes and artefacts. And I asked you all to bring in an old toy, and what I'd like you to do is smash up this artefact of your childhood and we'll set the pieces in wet plaster. (one of the students, Denise, puts up her hand) Yes.
Denise: You want me to smash Naughty Nancy?
Helen: Well, think of it as using your past to create something new.
Iris: Cool.
Helen: Ok, put on your safety goggles. Start smashing. Ok. Whoa! Denise, come on. (Denise is just tapping her doll with the hammer) Put some muscle in it, girl. That's it. Big pieces.
Joan: (shouting above all the nose of the class) Hey!
Helen: Watch your finger.
Joan: What's going on?
Helen: We're memorializing our childhood relics. What do you need?
Joan: Um, well, I was actually just coming by to see if you needed any help, you know, with Luke being sick and everything.
Helen: Yes, I know Luke is sick. Your father called, and he also told me that you ran off and left him with everything this morning.
Joan: (feeling guilty) Well, I'm here now, aren't I?
Helen: Well, I've already arranged to skip my fifth-period class so I can go check on him.
Joan: Well... I--I have 2 free classes. If you want, I could-- [Sighs] I could go so you wouldn't have to skip your class.
Helen: You could do that?
Joan: What's the big deal? Drive home, give Luke a pizza pocket --
Helen: no. He needs soup and flu medicine, lemon flavour, and, um, check his temperature.
Joan: Ok. Fine. I'm all over it.
Helen: (To Joan ) Oh, and--ohh! (she stops half way though) Oh, no, that's too much. Forget it.
Joan: (Turning around to see her mom with a look on her face that says) What?
Helen: Well, it's just I... put some ground meat out to thaw.
Joan: Help me out here.
Helen: Ok, ok. I was gonna make meatloaf. I put the meat out to thaw, but I forgot that I have a faculty meeting tonight, and now the meat's gonna spoil, but forget it.
Joan: I can make the meatloaf. (almost crying about it)
Helen: Your father would be so thrilled.
Joan: I have to be done by 7:00.
Helen: Yeah, ok. You can leave as soon as he gets home from work. Thank you.
In a hospital now. Kevin is sitting on a talk chair or bench watching people walk by the door way. The doctor comes in.
Dr. Hughes: Kevin. How's it goin'? No more basketball injuries, I hope?
Kevin: No. Uh, it's just... this morning I had this feeling in my gut. It was new, you know? Like something I haven't felt since the accident.
Dr. Hughes: Mm-hmm. Pull up your shirt. Was it a pain?
Kevin: No, it was more like a fluttering, like I had feeling there again. Is that weird?
Dr. Hughes: A lot of factors can cause reactions, even a mild skin irritation.
Kevin: Yeah, but this felt more like... something waking up.
Dr. Hughes: With an injury like yours, neural regeneration is extremely unlikely.
Kevin: But not impossible.
Dr. Hughes: I would need to run an E.M.G. Before I'd feel comfortable even entertaining the possibility.
Kevin: Ok. So... when can we do that?
Dr. Hughes: I can see what's available.
Kevin: Uh, Dr. Hughes? Is it cool if we don't mention this to my parents?
Dr. Hughes: This can be confidential.
Kevin: Great. I can do it today if there's anything.
Dr. Hughes: All right then.
Joan is now at home. Luke is laying on the couch watching TV.
Joan: Ok. Take the Ibuprofen first. What are you watching?
Luke: It's about the mars rover.
Joan: No, no, no. You should be watching Dr. Phil. It's a proven remedy.
Dr. Phil: (On the TV) To lead this family...
Joan: Ok, now, tell me what class work you need so I can get out of here.
Luke: You can get my assignments?
Joan: Luke, I do come with a brain.
Luke: Ok. (Moans) Monday... American history. Get the notes from Thomas Jefferson-- wait. Thomas Jefferson isn't a student. Ok. Phys ed...
Joan: P.E.? Luke, all you do is run around and come in last. Get real.
Luke: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Joan: What?
Luke: (Groans) The scholarship deadline for space camp is today.
Joan: Space camp?
Luke: I haven't even typed my essay. Where's my chemistry notebook?
Joan: You lent it to grace.
Luke - I lent it to grace?
Joan: Luke, relax. I'm meeting her this afternoon for a study group. I'll have it home by 5:00.
Luke: No, no, you don't understand. Joan, if--my essay is in that notebook. If don't get it back by tonight, no space camp, no scholarship, no summer with Glynis at Stanford!
Joan: Look, I'm writing it on my palm pilot. (She writes on her palm) "Get lab notebook." Ok? Watch Dr. Phil.
Dr. Phil: This family has a huge decision.
Luke: He looks nice.
Back to the office building. Will and Toni are walking Mr. Smith into the elevator. There is also a very pregnant woman there.
Mr. Smith: You know, this company spends a half million just getting clients drunk at lunch. (To the pregnant woman) Hola. Huge-o, huh? (The doors close and then there is a shaking) Not again.
Will: What do you mean, not again?
Mr. Smith: The elevator's stuck. Happened last week. Took 'em forever to fix it.
Woman: Aaiii! (Her water has just broke)
Mr. Smith: Whoa! [Laughs]
Will: What the hell?
Mr. Smith: Her water just broke. Opa!
Toni: Could you just--
Will: (Into the speaker box of the elevator) hello? We're stuck in an elevator here, and there's water. Hello?
Mr. Smith: I wouldn't wait around for them. Those guys take very long lunches.
Woman: Aaiiii!
Will: Ohh, my--hello?
Mr. Smith: Here we go. (enjoying the way Will is in a panic)
Will: (to the speaker box) Hello?!
Commercial Break and we go over to the school. Joan is walking around looking at the growing list on her Palm Pilot. Adam and Grace Catch up with her.
Grace: where have you been? We're supposed to be studying thermodynamics in 5 minutes.
Joan: What, you think this is news to me? I have to get my brother's assignments. He's got some kind of swine flu. Can't we just study tonight?
Grace: No way. I have a family thing. (she stops short) Leave it alone.
Adam: And, you know, I have the art thing.
Joan: (putting her hands up to her head to cover her eyes) Oh, god! That's right!
Adam: But if you're too busy--
Joan: no, no, no. I will definitely be there, and we are definitely studying for the exam. I just need, like, an hour to deal with everybody else's needs.
Grace: I'm familiar with the phenomenon.
Joan: Ok, good. (Gasps) Oh, god, wait! No, no, no! I have to get Luke's lab notebook back.
Grace: We haven't even looked at it yet.
Joan: Well, make copies of the notes, and I'll meet you guys in the library. One hour. (She holds up one finger - just so there is no confusion)
Grace: Don't flake out!
Joan: Got It!
Back to the elevator where the woman is now lying on the floor.
Will: (on a cell phone) What? I said, we're stuck in the elevator. No. Stuck.
Mr. Smith: (very smug) Not one service provider can get you decent reception in an elevator. It's criminal.
Will: You have the right to remain silent. Use it.
Toni: Any luck?
Will: I don't know. I think they heard something.
Toni: I hope they did.
Will: Is she close? Can you tell?
Toni: I'm not the one with 3 kids.
Will: Well, I--I never-- I mean, I drove Helen to the hospital.
Toni: But then you watched TV in the waiting room?
Will: I can't stand seeing my wife in pain.
Woman: Ohh! (Gasping)
Will: That seems wrong. Is that wrong?
Toni: It's ok, ma'am. We're gonna get you out of here.
Mr. Smith: I think that kid's getting out first. Those contractions are pretty close together.
Back at the Girardi house. Joan is taking care of Luke. They are both in the kitchen. Joan is trying to help Luke and make the meatloaf.
Joan: (Groans) Here's your disgusting lemon flu stuff. Just don't drive or operate heavy machinery. Do you know where mom put the breadcrumbs?
Luke: Why am I here?
Joan: Luke, focus. Breadcrumbs.
Luke: Are you hot? Is it hot in here?
Joan: Go back to bed.
Luke: I can't. I'm too tired. There was something I was supposed to get from you.
Joan: I already got your medicine and your stupid assignments, which took forever, by the way. and I had to skip my own study group to make this stupid meatloaf.
Luke: Notebook! You get the notebook from Grace?
Joan: Ok, um... remember the part where I said I had to skip my study group?
Luke: No, no. No, no, no! Notebook. Only hope. Space camp.
Joan: Will you stop talking in fragments? Ok? I will get your notebook back. Just drink your flu stuff. (muttering to herself) I'm never gonna finish this stupid bug book. (on the phone) Yeah, Grace, this is Joan. I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the study group. It's just, well, Luke is kind of flipping out about his notebook, so I need to get that back from you right away. If you would call me. Um... this is Joan, and don't be mad. (off the phone now - to Luke) See? Nothing to worry about.
Then there is a shot of Graces cell phone ringing in the milk fridge at the store.. Remember at the beginning when she threw it in there because she was mad oops! Back to the elevator.
Will: (To the speaker box in the elevator) I don't know if we're in the north or the west elevator! We're in the one that hasn't moved in 2 hours!
Woman: Aah!
Will: Oh, god.
Mr. Smith: If she's breach or pre-Eclampsia, we don't have the proper equipment.
Toni: What, so now Mr. I.T. Is mr. O.B.?
Mr. Smith: Just been through it is all. All 3 of my kids were born at home. We, you know, found it more holistic. Hospitals can be--
Will: yeah! We get it.
Mr. Smith: Ignore me if you want. That's fine, but if it were me, I'd be checking out those cleaning supplies for something sterile, laying down my coat, but that's just me.
Woman: Aaiii! I need to get out of here. Aaiii...
Back to the house. Joan has set the table. Luke is sitting there and Kevin has just come in.
Joan: Where's dad? It's almost 7:00.
Kevin: Man, that smells good. Too bad I have to go.
Joan: You're telling me this now?
Kevin: I'm sorry. I didn't know you were gonna do a whole mom thing.
Joan: Well, neither did I.
Luke: (Groggily) I just want my lab notebook.
Kevin: Dude, less pathetic.
Joan: Luke, I told you, I'll get it for you as soon as dad gets home.
Kevin: Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you. He called. He said he was stuck in an elevator?
Joan: Wait, wha--wai-- an elevator?
Kevin: See ya.
Joan: I have to go! I can't leave Luke here until dad-- [Door closes] Great. Great. This is just wonderful. It's just... great. Eat. [Cell phone rings] [Sighs] Now what? (To phone) Hello? I can barely hear you. Who is this?
Luke: Is it grace?
Joan: (Gasps) Adam! I'm--I'm so sorry. I'm running late. I got held up.
Luke: Notebook?
Joan: It's just that my dad was supposed to be home, and my stupid brother is sick--
Luke: Heard that.
Joan: Look, I'll be there as soon as I can, ok? (she starts to fill up the dishwasher soap place) No, no, no. It's not ok. Adam! Listen, I can explain. Please don't hang up the-- (Adam hung up and Joan is so very frustrated now. She looks up at and says) are you there, god? It's me, Joan, and you suck!
She turns on the dishwasher and all the power in the house goes out. She laughs because she cant believe her luck. Or lack of luck. On to the hospital again. Kevin is getting that EMG thing.
Kevin: Dr. Hughes told me to thank you for squeezing me in so late.
Doctor: Always happy to help out a fellow working man.
Kevin: So have you done this on paralysed people before?
Doctor: A few million times.
Kevin: (Laughs) You, uh... ever see anybody get some of their feeling back?
Doctor: You mean neural regeneration? Not much, no.
Kevin: But you've seen it?
Doctor: Mostly what I see is people sticking to their rehab, increasing strength and flexibility--
Kevin: yeah, yeah. I--I know all that, but I read this thing where if you get some sensation back, there's, like, a possibility. Not a big one, but--
Doctor: you know what? You should probably talk to Dr. Hughes. Your results will be in tomorrow.
Joan is walking down the street now. She left Luke alone and has gone out to get fuses from the hardware store.
Joan: Share the burden, get milk, make dinner, be a grownup. That's fine! Except that I don't vote yet! [Laughs] I barely drive. I can't even go in the senior lounge, I.E., I am not a grownup.
Adam: (who she almost bumped into) Jane?
Joan: Uh...
Adam: I didn't think you were gonna make it.
Joan: Oh, I--I actually-- well, I have to go to the hardware store.
Adam: Oh.
Joan: Ohh, wait a minute. Well, you--you need help, right?
Adam: Yeah.
Joan: And that's why I'm here. To share the burden, because that's what I'm supposed to do.
Adam: Great. Uh, could you grab those?
Joan: (to no one - to God) Right? Right.
Commercial Break: We then continue inside the coffee shop. Adam is putting up his art.
Joan: Looks good.
Adam: You think?
Joan: Uh, why do I feel like we're cheating on iris?
Adam: That's crazy. (Changing the subject) So, um, what did you need from the hardware store?
Joan: (Sighs) Nothing. It can wait. I mean, this is more important.
A art fan comes over to talk to them about the art.
Art Fan: Kind of takes recycling to a whole new level. Cosmically responsible, dude.
Adam: Thanks. (he leaves)
Joan: (Whispers to the man) "Cosmically responsible"? Was that supposed to be subtle?
Man: Um, not really.
Joan: Look, I am taking responsibility for my personal life right now, so deal with it.
She walks away angry. She obviously though this was god. (BTW not god, and very embarrassing) She goes over to the counter to get a drink.
Joan: Hi. Can I get a hot tea, please?
Cashier: Wow. Tea. We've got, like, 80 varieties. Herbal, green, black, English, Irish, Chai--
Joan: I--I don't know. Just tea. Thanks.
Cashier: It's not up to me. You gotta make a choice.
Joan: Ohh! (She looks back at the art man and realises that wasnt God. She now thinks this cashier is god so her next words are very strong [BTW, Not God]) I'm choosing to be here with my friend, ok? Luke is fine. He was alone all day, so just back down! (She yells the words Back Down)
Cashier: I think you want the chamomile. It's very calming.
Joan: (puts her hand on her mouth) Sorry. [Laughs] Forget it - Um.
A man takes the microphone on stage. Joan stands near Adam and listens.
Poet: What's up, my people? You ready to lay down some rhymes tonight? This is a new piece I wrote. It's called through the third eye. I close my eyes to this advertised reality: This Dow Jones, international, corporate, double tall latte, and I open my eyes to what's really real. I open my eyes to light restored, the blessed light that cures the ailing mind. I'm talkin' the merciful assistance of sister to brother.
Joan: (yelling and interrupting the poet, who she thinks is god. BTW, not GOD) Ok, ok! I get it.
Adam: What are you doing?
Joan: I'm getting the fuse. I'm restoring the light. I'm helping out my stupid brother. Are you happy now?
Adam: Jane.
Joan: (She looks around and realises shes wrong again) It's not you. I--I just-- I'll explain later. (Laughs)
Poet: (chuckling) Well, ahem. I close my eyes to this-- she's got me all messed up. I can't even remember it now.
Back in the elevator. They are trying to help the woman have her baby.
Woman: (Rhythmic breathing)
Toni: So, Wayne, do your kids know that daddy's a criminal?
Mr. Smith: I'd like to talk to my lawyer before I answer that. Just keep breathing with me.
Woman: Ooh!
Toni: Try to hold off on pushing. We're gonna be out of here soon.
Mr. Smith: Look, she's 2 minutes between contractions. The baby's dropped. The lady has to push.
Woman: Aah!
Will: Oh, god. She's pushing.
Mr. Smith: Here we go, Maria. Um... (To Will) take off your shoelace, all right? You're gonna use it to tie off the umbilical cord.
Will: Ohh...
Woman: aah!
Toni: Will, the shoelace!
Mr. Smith: All right, here we go. Ho ho! I see the head! Houston, we have crowning. Get ready.
Will: For what? What do I do?
Mr. Smith: (Laughs) You're gonna catch the baby, man.
Will: No, no, look, look, I--I think you should catch the baby. You've really got this down.
Mr. Smith: I'm in handcuffs.
Toni: Catch the baby, will!
Woman: Aah!
Mr. Smith: Here it comes, here it comes. Ok. Gently, gently. Gently. Ok, take it by the neck. Pull, pull. That's great. No, it's great. You're doing great. Ohh... you're doing great.
Will: Holy mother of god. It's a girl. [Laughing] Look at her.
Mr. Smith: She's a beaut.
Woman: I don't want to see it.
Will: This is your baby.
Woman: Just take it away. I don't want it. (Crying)
Joan goes over to Graces house. She is looking for Lukes notebook.
Joan: (Knock on door)
Mr. Polanski: Ah, you again.
Joan: Hi. Sorry to bother you, rabbi, but, um... can I talk to Grace for a minute?
Mr. Polanski: I'm afraid she just left for Hebrew class.
Joan: Well, do you know when she's coming back?
Mr. Polanski: Yeah. 9:30, 10:00.
Joan: Did you say Hebrew class?
Mr. Polanski: Yes. You know, when pasta begins to gets cold--
Joan: I know, I'm really sorry. It's just that Grace has this notebook that I really need.
Mr. Polanski: Well, you're welcome to come in and look, but she took her books with her, and she said something about a chemistry exam.
Joan: Perfect. Cursed by Hebrew class. No offence, rabbi.
Mr. Polanski: Well, unfortunately, Grace seems to share your point of view, which is why she's managed to put off her bat mitzvah for 3 years.
Joan: Bat--her what?
Mr. Polanski: Bat mitzvah. It's a ceremony to mark when a young person becomes an adult.
Joan: You've given up on the pasta, huh?
Mr. Polanski: A while ago, yes. .
Joan: So after you do this mitzvah thing, that's it, you're all grown up?
Mr. Polanski: In theory, you know, but in practice, becoming an adult is more a series of steps and mis-steps. Don't you think?
Joan: (Cell phone rings) Hold one second. (to cell phone) Luke, I'm working on it.
Helen: Joan Girardi, where the hell are you?
Joan: Um, mom, I can explain everything. I had a really important errand that I had to run.
Helen: I don't want to hear it. Just get your butt home right now. (Hangs up)
Joan: Um...I'd better go. I think I have some coming of age to do.
Mr. Polanski: Well, good luck to you.
Joan: And you. Ok.
Joan is walking away and her phone rings away. The caller id say GOD.
Joan: Ha ha, very funny. What now?
God (The cashier clerk from earlier) Joan, should you really be going home right now?
Joan: Ok, can I get something off my chest here? What's with god the sexist? Yeah, I said it. How come the girl in the family always has to do all the cooking and running around? How old-school is that?
God: Ok, Joan, check my record. I think you'll find when I call one of you to action, it doesn't matter which chromosome I gave you.
Joan: Oh, and this is your call to action, go and run a bunch of ridiculous errands?
God: Well, I believe you made a promise to your brother. (to the woman who is buying something from the cashier) There you go. Thank you.
Joan: Yes, I also promised my angry mother that I would get my butt home.
God: Well, you're in an interesting situation. What are your priorities? Which commitments will you honour?
Joan: You know, you're getting very good at stating the obvious.
God: I'm sorry, what was that, Joan? (There was static) I can't hear you. (We get a shot of the clerk god making the sounds himself - who said god didnt have a funny bone?) You're breaking up.
Joan: Hello? Hello? I can't hear you. [Imitates static] Hello? Oh, this is not funny. Hello?
Back to the office building. Everyone is out of the elevator. Mr. Smith is being lead away by Toni. The woman is being loaded into an ambulance and Will is holding the baby.
Will: Who's a baby girl? I bet you're hungry.
Toni: (Sighs) Ok, will.
Will: So that's it? We just hand her off?
Toni: Safe haven law, remember?
Will: Yeah, but I'll never get used to this.
Toni: Some people just can't handle the responsibility.
Mr. Smith: That's a hell of a thing.
Will: (to Mr. Smith) Can I just ask the obvious here? What's a father of 3 doing embezzling money from your own company?
Mr. Smith: I'm not comfortable with that term embezzling. It's more of a robin hood kind of thing.
Police: Is this the guy, captain?
Will: Yeah. Thanks for all your help.
Mr. Smith: Well...
Will: all right, get him out of here.
Police: Let's go.
Mr. Smith: Shotgun. Just kidding.
Joan decided to wait for Grace on her front porch.
Joan: Hey!
Grace: What are you doing here?
Joan: I didn't want to bother your dad again. He was eating.
Grace: How many times have I told you, do not speak to my family?
Joan: I know, and I wouldn't have come, it's just I really, really need Luke's lab notebook.
Grace: Well, maybe if you showed up at the library like you said you would--
Joan: I know, and I'm sorry about that, too, ok? I just had a million stupid errands I had to run, none of which I wanted to do.
Grace: Welcome to reality.
Joan: (Grace gives her the book) Thank you. So I take it you're not going to Hebrew class by choice.
Grace: What do you think?
Joan: Hmm.
Grace: I was supposed to do all this when I was 13, but I refused. Now my dad's using my sick Grandmother to guilt me into it.
Joan: Bummer.
Grace: You can't fight a rabbi when he breaks out the guilt. And the worst part, I finally gave in thinking I'll just cause a lot of trouble, you know? Speak out for a Palestinian homeland just to piss off the teacher. My dad loves it. He says I'm questioning the nature of god and the world, which is exactly in the spirit of the talmudic scholarship.
Joan: That sucks.
Grace: Tell me about it. It's like there's no escaping it.
Joan: Yeah.
They both sigh and the camera pulls away from them. We go to a commercial break.
When we come back, Helen is cleaning up the mess Joan left in the kitchen and Will is just getting home.
Helen: You're home late.
Will: You didn't get my message?
Helen: Of course not. It hasn't been a good day.
Will: Sorry.
Helen: I hope yours was better.
Will: Well, I was stuck in an elevator with an embezzler and a woman who gave birth to a baby girl.
Helen: That must have been fun.
Will: Helen. What you did, having our children...
Helen: I think you may have passed the statute of limitations on thanking me for giving birth.
Will: I just can't believe I missed going through that with you. You must have felt so alone.
Helen: There were plenty of strangers. And painkillers.
Will: You ever think about having another?
Helen: Not today.
Will: What happened?
Helen: Joan cooked dinner, (We see Joan coming in the front door) And then she took off god knows where and left Luke with 103 fever sitting in the middle of a dark, filthy kitchen.
Will: You want me to have a talk with her?
Helen: It's not just Joan. It's, um-- it's our whole family. We're just not ready.
Will: What do you mean?
Helen: I've decided I shouldn't be teaching this class. Our kids can't handle 2 working parents.
Joan: I was gonna clean it up.
Helen: Where have you been?
Will: Why didn't you call?
Joan: I was out getting fuses. Luke didn't tell you that?
Helen: We have fuses. And how does that take all night?
Joan: I had other stuff to do.
Helen: Well, what if I just took off when I had other stuff to do?
Joan: You did. You had a meeting, and you had work, and Kevin had whatever, so I covered.
Helen: Leaving your sick brother alone in the dark isn't exactly covering.
Will: Why was he in the dark?
Joan: Because the electrical wiring in this house is totally screwy! Which is why I had to go out to try and fix it and get Luke's chemistry notebook so he can go to space camp.
Will: Luke wants to go to space camp?
Kevin: (coming in) Hey, guys.
Joan: Yes, and if I don't have his application in the mail by midnight tonight, then the whole universe is probably gonna be out of whack in some way I don't even want to know about. So, if you'll excuse me, I have to get to the post office.
Kevin: Ok, good night, everybody.
Helen: And where are you coming from if I may ask?
Kevin: Uh...just out.
Will: You know, you can use a shoelace to tie off the umbilical cord?
The next morning, Luke and Kevin are home. Luke is sick. Kevin is playing basketball in his room.
Luke: Yeah, I thought I heard sports. How come you're home?
Kevin: I'm taking a sick day. Which is an awesome thing to do when you're not actually sick.
Luke: Yeah, I'll have to try it sometime. So where were you last night?
Kevin: When did my social life become such a hot topic around here?
Luke: We're just trying to live vicariously. Did you and Rebecca go out?
Kevin: That's kind of on hold. I had an E.M.G. Test at the hospital.
Luke: Electromyography? How come?
Kevin: It's supposed to figure out if any of my nerves are waking up, which I thought they were. Turns out they weren't.
Luke: That's... not entirely... unexpected.
Kevin: I just had this weird feeling in my gut. It was like gas, which I haven't felt since, you know, before. But Dr. Hughes says it's just phantom pain. Unless it happens again. Then it could be neural regeneration.
Luke: What are the odds of it happening again?
Kevin: About the same as you making the NBA. (He throws Luke a ball and Luke gets this very intense look on his face as he tries to make the shot- he misses) Whatever, right?
Later after the chem. Exam, everyone is leaving the class.
Joan: (Sighs) Well, I don't know about you, but Luke's notes didn't exactly crack the code.
Adam: Yeah, I pretty much bombed.
Glynis: (Comes running up) How is he?
Joan: (Laughs) Luke? He's sick, but he's gonna pull through.
Glynis: I hope so. I'm sorry. It's just-- it's been so hard. (she runs off like she always does)
Adam: So, uh, what happened last night?
Joan: Oh, sorry. Just poetry kind of freaks me out, and I had to meet grace after her bat mitzvah class--
Grace: shut up right now.
Adam: What?
Friedman: Bat mitzvah. Going for the full Jew, huh?
Grace: (To Joan) Great. Why don't you just broadcast it over the P.A.?
Joan: What--
Friedman: I say soak it up. You know, I got totally wasted on kosher wine at mine, kissed Jennifer Cohen, and made 2 grand.
Grace: You never let me down, do you, Girardi?
Adam: Wait! What's a bat mitzvah?
Friedman: (Sighs) Well, you see, Adam, (Friedman puts his arm over Adams shoulder and they walk away) even before we were slaves in Egypt, there was this tiny baby floating around in the bulrushes. Now, the little tyke's name was Moses. Now, mo, as we call him, he apparently was a Stutterer...
Joan walks away by her self down the hall and the Goth god walks up to her.
Joan: oh. You again. Do you ever show up when I actually need help?
God: You don't need me. You're doing great.
Joan: Oh, ok, and so you're here to, what, show me your new nose ring?
God: I want you to pick up some cream of wheat on your way home.
Joan: Cream of what?
God: Cream of wheat. It's got a lot of iron. Luke needs it.
Joan: No, no, no, no. You don't understand. I'm done. Luke gets to put on his space suit, mom got to her meeting, crisis averted, have a pleasant day. (She walks away and turns around) You're not gonna stop me?
God: It's your choice to walk away. I just think it's interesting that of all the tasks I've given you, buying cream of wheat is the one you're abandoning.
Joan: (freaking out) Because it's endless! It's a black hole of never-ending worries and responsibilities.
God: It's called growing up.
Joan: Oh, well, what if I don't want to?
God: In the brief time we've been talking here, thousands of cells in your body have died and renewed themselves. You're changing all the time. It's how you know you're alive.
Joan: It just seems so scary. And now here is the part where you reassure me...
God: it is scary. (he unzips her bag and takes out the turtle ash tray) Fortunately... you're not alone.
Joan finds her mom in the art room cleaning.
Joan: You're not packing up, are you?
Helen: No. Just cleaning.
Joan: Oh. 'Cause I heard this rumour that you were gonna quit. I mean, I wouldn't blame you after yesterday.
Helen: I'm not quitting. I'm really sorry I was so hard on you last night. I know you were just trying to help.
Joan: Here. (Gives her the ashtray) You can use it if you want to.
Helen: No. Honey, that's yours.
Joan: Well, what do I do, just smash it or--
Helen: use the safety goggles, try not to make the pieces too small, and be careful of your fingers.
Joan: Mom.
Helen: Ok. Sorry. There you go.
Joan starts to smash it up. They both laugh
Joan: I think I failed my chemistry exam.
Helen: Oh. That's too bad.
Joan: That's all you're gonna say?
Helen: Well, one of the nice things about you getting older is that you're getting better at punishing yourself.
Joan: How's that?
Helen: Pretty good. One of the reasons that I have been so cranky lately is that I haven't been getting any sleep. I'm just so terrified about teaching, I just keep going over and over what I'm gonna say till 3:00 in the morning.
Joan: I always thought once you were an adult, you just sort of wake up with all the answers.
Helen: Yeah, that would be nice. There's hardly ever any answers. Just more questions.
Helen sets the pieces in clay
Joan: Cool.
Helen: Ok, so we'll let it dry overnight.
Joan: Ok.
Helen: Hey, I tried some of that meatloaf. You did something to the garlic?
Joan: Oh, I roasted it first. Was it-- was it bad?
Helen: No. It was really good. Where'd you learn to do that?
Joan: I saw it on iron chef. So it was-- it was good?
Helen nods and Joan laughs about it.
The last scene is kind of funny, kind of sick. Joan cooked dinner again.
Joan: Dinners read.
Kevin: Meatloaf again.
Joan: Shut up. This time you're eating it.
Kevin: Seriously, I just had a burrito around 4:00. Im still in a coma.
Will: Kevin, you're a girardi. Eat. Smells great, kiddo.
Joan: Mom's on her way. She said not to wait.
Luke: You know, I want to be hungry. I do, and yet somehow--
Joan: here. Cream of wheat.
Luke: Cream of--
Joan: wheat. It has iron. Eat it.
Will: You made this? Like, uh, made it?
Joan: Mm-hmm.
Kevin: Dude, pull my finger.
Luke: What?
Joan: Kevin.
Luke: No.
Kevin: Seriously. Pull my finger. [Passes gas] (I think this is special because Kevin now has control, though, I dont know how much control he had before this)
Joan: Oh, my god!
Luke: Oh, my-- so--so-- wait a minute. That means you--
Kevin: Isn't that awesome? Pull it again.
Will: Guys, a little civility?
Kevin: Do it! (Passes gas)
Will: Oh, come on!
Joan: Oh, my god!
Will: Wait a minute.
Joan: That's so sick.
Kevin: I think I got another one.
Joan: No, Kevin, please.
Helen: Hey, guys.
Joan: Kevin, stop. It's so gross. Stop it. (Laughs)
Helen: What did I miss?
Kevin: Mom-- (Clears throat) Mom, pull my finger.
Joan: No, don't do it. Mom, don't do it.
Kevin gives her the puppy dog eyes and puts out his finger. Helen smiles and pulls it and a big loud fart sounds as we go to black and end credits of Requiem for a Third Grade Ash Tray
The end.
Page créée & Ecrit par orelye
